The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an
urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the
employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered,
"Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster
the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No".
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home
alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person
who should be there watching over the child. "Is there anyone there
besides you?", the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked, "May I speak with the policeman"?
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?, asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered
answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is
that noise?"
"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just
landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss
asked, "Why are they there"?
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle,
"They're looking for me!"
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Banzai Harakiri
onsdag 30. mars 2011
The new design
Seems like the next version of an old classic has got a little 'facelift'...
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Banzai Harakiri
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Banzai Harakiri
tirsdag 29. mars 2011
fredag 25. mars 2011
In 40 years...
please, give the kids metal to listen to. Please....*sob*
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Banzai Harakiri
The Funeral Piper
As a bagpiper, I have played many different gigs.
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man.
The man had no family or friends, and so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Kentucky back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt bad, and apologized to the men for being late.
I then went to the side of the grave and looked down, and the vault lid was already in place.
I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep.
They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently I’m still lost…
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Banzai Harakiri
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man.
The man had no family or friends, and so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Kentucky back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt bad, and apologized to the men for being late.
I then went to the side of the grave and looked down, and the vault lid was already in place.
I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep.
They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently I’m still lost…
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Banzai Harakiri
torsdag 24. mars 2011
God Created Canadians
On the sixth day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: “Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon.”
God continued, “I shall make the land rich in oil so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth.”
“But Lord,” asked Gabriel, “don’t you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?”
“Not really,” replied God, “just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them.”
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Banzai Harakiri
God continued, “I shall make the land rich in oil so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth.”
“But Lord,” asked Gabriel, “don’t you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?”
“Not really,” replied God, “just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them.”
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Banzai Harakiri
onsdag 23. mars 2011
Things That Make You Think
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person
to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything,
but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the
stairs.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred
dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes
a whole box to start a campfire?
You read about all these terrorists-most of them came here legally,
but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in
charge of immigration.
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Banzai Harakiri
to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything,
but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the
stairs.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred
dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes
a whole box to start a campfire?
You read about all these terrorists-most of them came here legally,
but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in
charge of immigration.
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Banzai Harakiri
tirsdag 22. mars 2011
fredag 11. mars 2011
Conflict
A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb- blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet.
"What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?" she demands. "What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?"
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.
"You keep out of this!" she yells. "I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!"
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Banzai Harakiri
"What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?" she demands. "What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?"
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.
"You keep out of this!" she yells. "I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!"
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Banzai Harakiri
Game for cats
This is the best use for the Ipad as far as I know... (yes, I dont like apple :) ).
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Banzai Harakiri
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Banzai Harakiri
Proper training...
This should be a part of every training course for dogs :-)
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Banzai Harakiri
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Banzai Harakiri
torsdag 10. mars 2011
You have to stop stumbling when...
If your glasses have a computer screen burned into them, you need to stop Stumbling.
If you wake up in the morning with keyboard squares on the side of your face, you need to stop stumbling and sleep in your damn bed.
If you have ever whispered the words, “I can’t quit you” to your Stumble button.
If you don’t know the sex of three of your closest friends because their Stumble screen names aren’t gender specific, you need help!
If you are late for more than 5 things a week, (example – dinner, work, school, friends funeral…) you need a strong family to show you the meaning of intervention.
If your friends and family look for your “online status” to get in touch with you, Stumbling is slowly killing you.
If you wonder how your internet provider can call, 600 hours a month, “unlimited service”, you really should seek professional help.
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Banzai Harakiri
If you wake up in the morning with keyboard squares on the side of your face, you need to stop stumbling and sleep in your damn bed.
If you have ever whispered the words, “I can’t quit you” to your Stumble button.
If you don’t know the sex of three of your closest friends because their Stumble screen names aren’t gender specific, you need help!
If you are late for more than 5 things a week, (example – dinner, work, school, friends funeral…) you need a strong family to show you the meaning of intervention.
If your friends and family look for your “online status” to get in touch with you, Stumbling is slowly killing you.
If you wonder how your internet provider can call, 600 hours a month, “unlimited service”, you really should seek professional help.
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Banzai Harakiri
Old people...
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?’
The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’
The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’
‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.’
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me.
The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’
The old lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.’
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Banzai Harakiri
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?’
The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’
The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’
‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.’
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me.
The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’
The old lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.’
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Metaphors and Analogies
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag
filled with vegetable soup.
Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having
left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka
at 4:19 p.m., at a speed of 35 mph.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the
East River.
Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap,
only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,
this plan just might work.
...and my favorite:
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender
leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
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Banzai Harakiri
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag
filled with vegetable soup.
Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having
left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka
at 4:19 p.m., at a speed of 35 mph.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the
East River.
Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap,
only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,
this plan just might work.
...and my favorite:
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender
leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
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Banzai Harakiri
onsdag 9. mars 2011
tirsdag 8. mars 2011
A Young Monk Arrives At The Monastery
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R", we missed the "R". His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was CELEBRATE!"
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Banzai Harakiri
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R", we missed the "R". His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was CELEBRATE!"
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Banzai Harakiri
Wood Tape
Found this story while stumbling, and are presenting the link to it here.
Link: Wood Tape
Link will open in a new window
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Banzai Harakiri
Link: Wood Tape
Link will open in a new window
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Banzai Harakiri
Strange Young Couple
A Texas DPS Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He also immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, he walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's side window.
The young man lowers his window and mutters, "Uh, yes, Officer"?
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing'?
The young man says: 'Well, Sir, I'm reading a magazine'.
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat, the trooper says: 'And her in the back, what is she doing'?
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails'.
Now the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone in a car at night, in a lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening! The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'?
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir'. The trooper asks: 'And her ... what's her age'?
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes...
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He also immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, he walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's side window.
The young man lowers his window and mutters, "Uh, yes, Officer"?
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing'?
The young man says: 'Well, Sir, I'm reading a magazine'.
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat, the trooper says: 'And her in the back, what is she doing'?
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails'.
Now the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone in a car at night, in a lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening! The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'?
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir'. The trooper asks: 'And her ... what's her age'?
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes...
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Banzai Harakiri
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