tirsdag 31. mars 2009

Dont fuck with Santa...



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Banzai Harakiri


Friends...


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Banzai Harakiri


Body dynamite....

A body builder picks up a blonde at a bar and takes her home with him. He takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have."
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lb. of dynamite, baby."

He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have."
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lb. of dynamite, baby."

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was."
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Banzai Harakiri


candy thief.... :-)


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Banzai Harakiri


Mario busted...


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Banzai Harakiri


Did you know?



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Banzai Harakiri


mandag 30. mars 2009

Idiots...

There is seriously a lot of people that cant tell that this
is a scam (I'm talking about the getting billions of dollar]
and goes along and get themselves into deep ecomonical trouble.




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Banzai Harakiri


Camel-Toe...



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Banzai Harakiri


Thats when the fight started....

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."And that's when the fight started....

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A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' And then the fight started.....

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself."And then the fight started...

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale. And then the fight started...

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My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.'And then the fight started...



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Banzai Harakiri


Baggage...


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Banzai Harakiri


tirsdag 24. mars 2009

Mac vs PC vs Linux



Click the picture for bigger version

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Banzai Harakiri


Secret pic from NASA


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Banzai Harakiri


They dont make comics like this anymore...

wonder why? :-)



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Banzai Harakiri


Police comments...

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:


#16 “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”

#15 “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”

#14 “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

#13 “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

#12 “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”

#11 “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”

#10 “Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”

#9 “Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

#8 “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

#7 “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”

#6 “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

#5 “In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.”

#4 “How big were those ‘Just two beers’ you say you had?”

#3 “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”

#2 “I’m glad to hear that Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”

AND THE WINNER IS….

#1 “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets?
You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”





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Banzai Harakiri


Butterfly visit...



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Banzai Harakiri


Biscuit

Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had – an elephant?

So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

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Banzai Harakiri


Forgive your enemies (joke)

All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, ‘How many of you have forgiven your enemies?’

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

‘Mrs. Neely?’; ‘Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?’

I don’t have any.’ She replied, smiling sweetly.

‘Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?’

‘Ninety-eight.’ she replied.

‘Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?’

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said,

‘I outlived the bitches.’


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Banzai Harakiri


fredag 20. mars 2009

Cloning...


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Banzai Harakiri


So true...


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Banzai Harakiri


Courage...


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Banzai Harakiri


Bubba's Sister...

Bubba’s sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, “Ma’am, you had twins — a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.”

The woman thinks to herself, “Oh, no! Not ;Bubba — he’s CRAZY.”

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, “What’s the girl’s name?”

“Your brother named her Denise,” the doctor answers.

The new mother thinks, “That’s a beautiful name. I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like the name Denise.”

Then she asks the doctor, “What’s the boy’s name?”

The doctor replies, “Denephew”
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Banzai Harakiri


Philosophy of Sex (quotes)

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
—Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
—Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand."
—Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
—Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
—Lynn Lavner

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
—Matt Barry

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
—Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
—George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
—Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex—-no matter what she’s reading."
—Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
—Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
—Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady — and you didn’t think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet."
—Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
—Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
—Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
—Robert De Niro

"There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?"
—Dustin Hoffman

"There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked."
—Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house."
—Rod Stewart
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Banzai Harakiri


Addicted....

I have a memory of posting this one before, but I'm to lazy to check, so here it goes again :-)


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Banzai Harakiri


New Mascot...



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Banzai Harakiri


torsdag 19. mars 2009

Poor duckie...



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Banzai Harakiri


From phone support...

(I was doing rebates for cellphones at the time…)

Me: “Thank you for calling ****. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Okay, so I want my rebate.”

Me: “Alright, all I need from you is the cellphone number.”

Customer: “I don’t have one.”

Me: “…you don’t have a cellphone number?”

Customer: “No, but I want my rebate.”

Me: “So, you do know that in order to receive a rebate, you actually need to purchase a cellphone?”

Customer: “For **** sakes. You’re telling me that in order to get MY rebate, I need to go out, waste MY gas, and with MY money, buy a cellphone?”

Me: “Well, that would be the general idea of getting a reimbursement on something you had purchased.”

Customer: “But I just want the money back…”

Me: “Well, it’s not like this is free money.”

Customer: “…it’s not?”

Me: “No.”

(After about 20 seconds of silence, the customer hangs up.)




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Banzai Harakiri


Ticketsale...


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Banzai Harakiri


Huey, Dewey and.... (joke)

This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in
each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He
has a few drinks and chats with the bartender.

The bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about
the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the
ducks.

They chat for about 30 minutes before the bloke with the ducks has to
go to the rest room. The ducks are left on the Bar.

The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence.
The bartender decides to try to make some conversation.

"What's your name?" He says to the first duck. "Huey" said the duck.

"How's your day been?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."
"Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender.

Then he says to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?"

"Dewey" came the answer.

"So how's your day been?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If
I had the chance another day I would do the same again."

So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be
Louie"

"No", growls the 3rd duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my
fucking day!"

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Banzai Harakiri


How old are you? (joke)

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite."

"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex"..

:-)

.

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Banzai Harakiri


onsdag 18. mars 2009

Bend it like.... errr.....



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Banzai Harakiri


Jesus vs The Undead


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Banzai Harakiri


mandag 16. mars 2009

Have You Ever Wondered Why Men Lie?

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe."Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?"the Lord asked.

"Yes", he replied.

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Angelina Jolie.

"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, "Oh, forgive me, Lord.

It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Angelina Jolie, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no'to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don't want her to share me with anyone, so THAT'S why I said yes to Angelina Jolie."

The moral of this story is:

Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others… MOSTLY his wife!

That's our story, and we're sticking to it..
THE GUYS


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Banzai Harakiri


søndag 15. mars 2009

Bike design....



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Banzai Harakiri


Backflip...

Dont let your daughter try this one.....



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Banzai Harakiri


Your father...



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Banzai Harakiri


The Woman song...

Check this link out:
Link to site
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Banzai Harakiri


Condoms...



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Banzai Harakiri


Damnd....


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Banzai Harakiri


Smartest dog...

This is almost scary....

View the video at Sangent



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Banzai Harakiri


Makeover...



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Banzai Harakiri


Stress Relief

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological tests.

The funny thing is that it works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream in the mountains.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called the world.

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding under the water.

See. You're smiling already.
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Banzai Harakiri


Warning...



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Banzai Harakiri


Combined businesses...



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Banzai Harakiri


Tom and Eggs (joke)

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own."

Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.

"I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said. "How do you like being a hen?"

"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."

"How do I do that?" Tom asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.

"Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:

"Tom, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shittin' all over the bed!"





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Banzai Harakiri


Battle among the species....


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Banzai Harakiri


Dumb....



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Banzai Harakiri


onsdag 11. mars 2009

It work where like RPG games...


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Banzai Harakiri


Best Limeric..

There once was a buggy AI
Who decided her subject should die.
When the plot was uncovered,
The subjected discovered
That sadly the cake was a lie.

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Banzai Harakiri


Booring at work....



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Banzai Harakiri


Doin it wrong....



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Banzai Harakiri