onsdag 16. november 2016
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Chuck Norris.
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human lifeâ€¦ unless it gets in his way.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, â€œBang!â€
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16 Seconds.
With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.
onsdag 7. september 2016
I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
A guy got arrested playing the guitar for fingering A minor.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.
Energizer bunny arrested — charged with battery.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro – what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
Earthquake in Washington obviously government’s fault.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.