torsdag 26. juni 2008
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her Husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
mandag 23. juni 2008
fredag 20. juni 2008
1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING
WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE
2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
3. AVOID ARGUMENTS ABOUT THE TOILET SEAT - USE THE SINK.
4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND
BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS.
REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU
FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE
6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT
DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES,
USE THE DUCT TAPE.
8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.
9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR
ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE
torsdag 12. juni 2008
#01 - Add groceries to others' carts.
(Condoms work well. Hemorrhoid cream. Adult diapers. Basically, anything from the toiletries section.)
#02 - Set the alarm clocks.
(They're on display for a reason. Maybe each one should go off five minutes apart?)
#03 - Set the clock radios.
(These need to go on at the same time. Different stations.)
#04 - Tell a busy employee there's been a "Code 10 in Aisle 3."
(An orange alert? An incident? A situation? Try them all.)
#05 - Cover yourself in fake blood.
(Use your imagination. If you forget it at home, ketchup is an acceptable substitute and readily available at all WAL-MARTs.)
#06 - Layaway anything that costs less than $3.00.
(Maybe a deck of cards. Insist you'll be back next week - and no, you want that pack!)
#07 - Set up camping equipment.
(You might want to check before lighting the campfire though.)
#08 - If you're asked if you need some help, start to cry.
("More help than you can imagine..." *SOB SOB SOB*)
#09 - Use security cameras as a mirror.
(Check your hair. Your nose hair, whatever.)
#10 - Hum loudly.
(Mission Impossible theme works great. Also, It's A Small World.)
#11 - Hide in clothing racks, and pretend to be a lost child.
(Or just grab ankles.)
#12 - When fitting room attendants ask if she can get you anything say, "Yes, toilet paper."
#13 - Two words: Bouncy Balls.
#14 - Take a lawn chair to the magazine section. Relax.
(If it's hot outside, grab the magazine and lawn chair and head to the frozen food aisle.)
#15 - Set up valet parking.
(What, no tip?)
onsdag 11. juni 2008
Thank you for your letter of March 1. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me a position in your department.
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite your companies outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position in your department this August.
I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.
tirsdag 10. juni 2008
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,
"Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer. She's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's an actor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes miss." the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."
On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."
A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
mandag 2. juni 2008
søndag 1. juni 2008
During my visit, I started thinking about how kick ass a place like this would be when people my age are old enough to live there. Instead of card games and bingo we would have rooms with huge screens for Halo tournaments and Guitar Hero face-offs. Instead of a shuttle bus taking us to the Cracker Barrell every day, we would have a pimped out party bus taking us to a My Chemical Romance reunion concert. Instead of having a room that smells like mothballs and perscription ointment, every room would have the faint scent of pot and Jager-bombs.
And just think, our grandkids will still think we're uncool, those little bastards.
After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences. No pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all no public restrooms.
However, he really has to go, after all those Guinness’s. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby, who says, “Sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know.”
“I’m very sorry, officer,” replies the American, “but I really have to go, and I just can’t find a public restroom.”
“Ah, yes,” said the bobby, “just follow me”. He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.
“In there,” points the bobby, “whiz away sir, anywhere you like.”
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the policeman’s blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby “That was really decent of you. Is that what you call English hospitality?”
“No sir…”, replied the bobby, “that is what we call the French Embassy.”