How to Get Banned From WAL-MART

Any fool with a hoodie or a trenchcoat can get kicked out. Getting banned takes true imagination. Here's some suggestions.

#01 - Add groceries to others' carts.
(Condoms work well. Hemorrhoid cream. Adult diapers. Basically, anything from the toiletries section.)

#02 - Set the alarm clocks.
(They're on display for a reason. Maybe each one should go off five minutes apart?)

#03 - Set the clock radios.
(These need to go on at the same time. Different stations.)

#04 - Tell a busy employee there's been a "Code 10 in Aisle 3."
(An orange alert? An incident? A situation? Try them all.)

#05 - Cover yourself in fake blood.
(Use your imagination. If you forget it at home, ketchup is an acceptable substitute and readily available at all WAL-MARTs.)

#06 - Layaway anything that costs less than $3.00.
(Maybe a deck of cards. Insist you'll be back next week - and no, you want that pack!)

#07 - Set up camping equipment.
(You might want to check before lighting the campfire though.)

#08 - If you're asked if you need some help, start to cry.
("More help than you can imagine..." *SOB SOB SOB*)

#09 - Use security cameras as a mirror.
(Check your hair. Your nose hair, whatever.)

#10 - Hum loudly.
(Mission Impossible theme works great. Also, It's A Small World.)

#11 - Hide in clothing racks, and pretend to be a lost child.
(Or just grab ankles.)

#12 - When fitting room attendants ask if she can get you anything say, "Yes, toilet paper."

#13 - Two words: Bouncy Balls.

#14 - Take a lawn chair to the magazine section. Relax.
(If it's hot outside, grab the magazine and lawn chair and head to the frozen food aisle.)

#15 - Set up valet parking.
(What, no tip?)

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Banzai Harakiri