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Banzai Harakiri
søndag 30. mars 2008
lørdag 29. mars 2008
The Top 20 Oxymorons
Here are pairs of words that should not be said together. . .
20 - Act Natural
19 - Genuine Imitation
18 - Good Grief
17 - Same Difference
16 - Almost Exactly
15 - Sanitary Landfill
14 - Alone Together
13 - Silent Scream
12 - Living Dead
11 - Small Crowd
10 - New Classic
9 - Sweet Sorrow
8 - “Now, Then”
7 - Passive Aggressive
6 - Taped Live
5 - Clearly Misunderstood
4 - Peace Force
3 - Terribly Pleased
2 - Pretty Ugly
The #1 Oxymoron is. . .
1 - Microsoft Works :-)
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Banzai Harakiri
20 - Act Natural
19 - Genuine Imitation
18 - Good Grief
17 - Same Difference
16 - Almost Exactly
15 - Sanitary Landfill
14 - Alone Together
13 - Silent Scream
12 - Living Dead
11 - Small Crowd
10 - New Classic
9 - Sweet Sorrow
8 - “Now, Then”
7 - Passive Aggressive
6 - Taped Live
5 - Clearly Misunderstood
4 - Peace Force
3 - Terribly Pleased
2 - Pretty Ugly
The #1 Oxymoron is. . .
1 - Microsoft Works :-)
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
fredag 28. mars 2008
Its the law...
This is supposed to be true. :-)
-----------------------
Here is a supposedly true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:
Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (rough translation from the Latin):
"Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale".
Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.
Three weeks later the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
-----------------------
Here is a supposedly true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:
Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (rough translation from the Latin):
"Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale".
Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.
Three weeks later the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
torsdag 27. mars 2008
onsdag 26. mars 2008
The ten worst URL's...
You know, a URL is the adress that leads you to a website. For a company the URL should be easy to understand and show the visitor what the site is all about just because of the name of the adress.
So here's the ten worst URL's :-)
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Banzai Harakiri
So here's the ten worst URL's :-)
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Banzai Harakiri
Techie Quotes...
As you might have guessed I work as a computer techie, so here is some quotes from 'Clientcopia'... (search for it with google).
--------------------------------
isp tech: Hi how can I help you?
customer: My email doesn't work
After a few try, we get into the email account properties.
isp tech: What did you typed in in the incoming pop3 server??
customer: I typed in: "not sure"
isp tech: Hmmm.. ?!?! what? you serious??
customer: Yes, I typed in the box: "not sure"
isp tech: Why???
customer: Well I wasn't sure of what i had to typed in...
-----------------------------
client: my password doesn't work
me: password reset to abc123
client: still doesn't work
me: are you typing in lower case
client: how can I tell?
me: is your caps-lock on?
client what's that?
me: look at the upper right corner of your keyboard, how many lights are on?
client: let me get someone to look, i don't know anything about computers.
------------------------------
IKEA stories #2:
client: "Do all doors have this exact depth?"
me: "Uuhhhhhh..."
------------------------------
me - "what version of windows are you using?"
caller - "windows....82"
me - der...
caller - "the bill gates edition"
had to put them on hold for a solid minute.
------------------------------
Me: Sir, can you please give me your email so I can send you the missing DLL file?
Client: We don´t have email yet. Send the DLL by Fax.
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Banzai Harakiri
--------------------------------
isp tech: Hi how can I help you?
customer: My email doesn't work
After a few try, we get into the email account properties.
isp tech: What did you typed in in the incoming pop3 server??
customer: I typed in: "not sure"
isp tech: Hmmm.. ?!?! what? you serious??
customer: Yes, I typed in the box: "not sure"
isp tech: Why???
customer: Well I wasn't sure of what i had to typed in...
-----------------------------
client: my password doesn't work
me: password reset to abc123
client: still doesn't work
me: are you typing in lower case
client: how can I tell?
me: is your caps-lock on?
client what's that?
me: look at the upper right corner of your keyboard, how many lights are on?
client: let me get someone to look, i don't know anything about computers.
------------------------------
IKEA stories #2:
client: "Do all doors have this exact depth?"
me: "Uuhhhhhh..."
------------------------------
me - "what version of windows are you using?"
caller - "windows....82"
me -
caller - "the bill gates edition"
had to put them on hold for a solid minute.
------------------------------
Me: Sir, can you please give me your email so I can send you the missing DLL file?
Client: We don´t have email yet. Send the DLL by Fax.
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
lørdag 22. mars 2008
lørdag 15. mars 2008
Ho to get everything...
Father : “I want you to marry a girl of my choice”
Son : “I will choose my own bride!”
Father : “But the girl is Bill Gates’s daughter.”
Son : “Well, in that case…ok”
Next - Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father : “I have a husband for your daughter.”
Bill Gates : “But my daughter is too young to marry!”
Father : “But this young man is a vice-president of
the World Bank.”
Bill Gates : “Ah, in that case…ok”
Finally Father goes to see the president of the World
Bank.
Father : “I have a young man to be recommended as a
vice-president. ”
President : “But I already have more vice- presidents
than I need!”
Father : “But this young man is Bill Gates’s
son-in-law.”
President : “Ah, in that case…ok”
This is how business is done!!
Moral: Even If you have nothing,You can get
Anything…
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Son : “I will choose my own bride!”
Father : “But the girl is Bill Gates’s daughter.”
Son : “Well, in that case…ok”
Next - Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father : “I have a husband for your daughter.”
Bill Gates : “But my daughter is too young to marry!”
Father : “But this young man is a vice-president of
the World Bank.”
Bill Gates : “Ah, in that case…ok”
Finally Father goes to see the president of the World
Bank.
Father : “I have a young man to be recommended as a
vice-president. ”
President : “But I already have more vice- presidents
than I need!”
Father : “But this young man is Bill Gates’s
son-in-law.”
President : “Ah, in that case…ok”
This is how business is done!!
Moral: Even If you have nothing,You can get
Anything…
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
40 things that only happen in the movies...
1. It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or opposite the building you are visiting.
2. When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
3. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment it’s aired.
4. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
5. Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds. UNLESS it’s the door to a burning building with a child inside.
6. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
7. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.
8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to learn to speak German. Simply speaking English with a German accent will do. Similarly, when they are alone, all German soldiers prefer to speak English to each other.
9. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off. Even while scuba diving.
10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
11. Any police officer about to retire from the force will more often than not die on their last day (especially if their family have planned a party). (Caveat: Detectives can only solve a case after they have been suspended from duty).
12. Getaway cars never start first go. But all cop cars do. (They will also slide to a dramatic stop in the midst of a crime scene).
13. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
14. On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboard…
15. All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which will be placed in open brown paper bags (Caveat: when said bags break, only fruit will spill out).
16. Cars never need fuel (unless they’re involved in a pursuit).
17. If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until you have defeated their predecessor.
18. If a microphone is turned on it will immediately feedback.
19. Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. you will always find another one.
20. All single women have a cat.
21. Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.
22. No matter how savagely a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
23. If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick’s Day parade - at any time of the year.
24. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
25. You will survive any battle in any war UNLESS you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
26. Prostitutes always look like Julia Roberts or Jamie Lee Curtis. They have expensive clothes and nice apartments but no pimps. They are friendly with the shopkeepers in their neighbourhood who don’t mind at all what the girl does for a living.
27. A single match is usually sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
28. It is not necessary to say “Hello” or “Goodbye” when beginning a telephone conversation. A disconnected call can always be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying “Hello? Hello?” repeatedly.
29. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at once (this is known as Stallone’s Law).
30. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in you room will still be visible, just slightly bluish.
31. Plain or even ugly girls can become movie star pretty simply by removing their glasses and rearranging their hair.
32. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies with complicated devices incorporating fuses, pulleys, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks.
33. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach to armpit level on a woman but only up to the waist of the man lying beside her.
34. Anyone can land a 747 as long as there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
35. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
36. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
37. Most musical instruments (especially wind instruments and accordions) can be played without moving your fingers.
38. In Middle America, all gas station attendants have red handkerchiefs hanging out of their back pockets.
39. All teen house parties have one of every stereotypical subculture present (even people who aren’t liked and would never get invited to parties).
40. Trucks use their horns at random (no hang on, that happens in real life too!).
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
2. When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
3. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment it’s aired.
4. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
5. Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds. UNLESS it’s the door to a burning building with a child inside.
6. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
7. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.
8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to learn to speak German. Simply speaking English with a German accent will do. Similarly, when they are alone, all German soldiers prefer to speak English to each other.
9. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off. Even while scuba diving.
10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
11. Any police officer about to retire from the force will more often than not die on their last day (especially if their family have planned a party). (Caveat: Detectives can only solve a case after they have been suspended from duty).
12. Getaway cars never start first go. But all cop cars do. (They will also slide to a dramatic stop in the midst of a crime scene).
13. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
14. On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboard…
15. All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which will be placed in open brown paper bags (Caveat: when said bags break, only fruit will spill out).
16. Cars never need fuel (unless they’re involved in a pursuit).
17. If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until you have defeated their predecessor.
18. If a microphone is turned on it will immediately feedback.
19. Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. you will always find another one.
20. All single women have a cat.
21. Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.
22. No matter how savagely a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
23. If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick’s Day parade - at any time of the year.
24. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
25. You will survive any battle in any war UNLESS you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
26. Prostitutes always look like Julia Roberts or Jamie Lee Curtis. They have expensive clothes and nice apartments but no pimps. They are friendly with the shopkeepers in their neighbourhood who don’t mind at all what the girl does for a living.
27. A single match is usually sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
28. It is not necessary to say “Hello” or “Goodbye” when beginning a telephone conversation. A disconnected call can always be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying “Hello? Hello?” repeatedly.
29. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at once (this is known as Stallone’s Law).
30. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in you room will still be visible, just slightly bluish.
31. Plain or even ugly girls can become movie star pretty simply by removing their glasses and rearranging their hair.
32. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies with complicated devices incorporating fuses, pulleys, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks.
33. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach to armpit level on a woman but only up to the waist of the man lying beside her.
34. Anyone can land a 747 as long as there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
35. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
36. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
37. Most musical instruments (especially wind instruments and accordions) can be played without moving your fingers.
38. In Middle America, all gas station attendants have red handkerchiefs hanging out of their back pockets.
39. All teen house parties have one of every stereotypical subculture present (even people who aren’t liked and would never get invited to parties).
40. Trucks use their horns at random (no hang on, that happens in real life too!).
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
torsdag 13. mars 2008
Top 10 Weird Laws Of The World
Number 10: Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: "After having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh." (umm OK, I’m sure the lamb appreciates that one)
Number 9: In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (OK, like THAT makes sense...)
Number 8: In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Ouch!)
Number 7: Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or a piece of wood at all times. (...a brick?)
Number 6: The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is capitation. (Wonder how they enforce that one?)
Number 5: There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Now let’s just think for a minute...is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
Number 4: In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (The husband’s lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. COOL)
Number 3: Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England, but only in tropical fish stores. (Of course!)
Number 2: In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (We have to presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law...)
And the wierdest law in the world is...
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (I shudder at the thought. How many of us would be virgins today?)
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Number 9: In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (OK, like THAT makes sense...)
Number 8: In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Ouch!)
Number 7: Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or a piece of wood at all times. (...a brick?)
Number 6: The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is capitation. (Wonder how they enforce that one?)
Number 5: There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Now let’s just think for a minute...is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
Number 4: In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (The husband’s lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. COOL)
Number 3: Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England, but only in tropical fish stores. (Of course!)
Number 2: In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (We have to presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law...)
And the wierdest law in the world is...
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (I shudder at the thought. How many of us would be virgins today?)
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Techie question...
Anyone of you have a good techie story? Give it to us in the comment field.
More of a stupid tech support but he was kind of working for our client, so... :-)
We were working with a client who had his own web hosting, outside our offices. We had to change a few things on the client's website so we needed an FTP access to his folder on the host's server. The client put us in contact with a technician working at his web hosting company...
US : We need an FTP access for this client, could you please create us one?
TECH : Sorry, we don't create new FTP accounts for security reasons. Here, I'll just send you the password for root access to our servers instead.
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
More of a stupid tech support but he was kind of working for our client, so... :-)
We were working with a client who had his own web hosting, outside our offices. We had to change a few things on the client's website so we needed an FTP access to his folder on the host's server. The client put us in contact with a technician working at his web hosting company...
US : We need an FTP access for this client, could you please create us one?
TECH : Sorry, we don't create new FTP accounts for security reasons. Here, I'll just send you the password for root access to our servers instead.
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
mandag 10. mars 2008
Italian lover....
The Italian lover, a virile, middle aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he manged to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned and replied, "no".
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, he smiled and asked, "you finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "no".
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, he reached for the woman yet again and using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping, barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked, "you finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered in his ear, "no, I Norwegian".
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, he smiled and asked, "you finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "no".
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, he reached for the woman yet again and using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping, barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked, "you finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered in his ear, "no, I Norwegian".
Postman Pat's last day...
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the
mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the
whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on
his way with a gift cheque for £50.
At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch
whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her
lingerie.
She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she
blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed
him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly
squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a
cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking
out
from under the cups bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the
five quid for?"
"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today
would be your last day and that we should do something special for you".
"I asked him what to give you".
He said, "F*ck him. Give him a fiver."
She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea."
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the
whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on
his way with a gift cheque for £50.
At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch
whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her
lingerie.
She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she
blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed
him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly
squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a
cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking
out
from under the cups bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the
five quid for?"
"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today
would be your last day and that we should do something special for you".
"I asked him what to give you".
He said, "F*ck him. Give him a fiver."
She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea."
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
10 Breeds of PC Users
Which one are you? If you’re a Mac user, you probably have a friend who matches one of these descriptions.
PC user breed #1
The traumatized virus victim
How to spot one:
Will not open any email attachments you send, including images, documents and MP3s. Burn them a CD of music and they’ll ask if they can get a virus from it. Will decline to accept images and MP3s sent over IM “Just in case”. Will usually be running five or six Anti-Virus programs which pop up every few seconds, but somehow manage to get a new virus every other day. Have stopped deleting the ‘Online Casino’ shortcuts from their desktop. Have not yet discovered how to turn on a Firewall and have no desire to learn.
The highs:
Easily impressed by any computer that works.
The lows:
Will remain paranoid and impervious to logic on any computer-related topic.
PC user breed #2
The two-fingered typist
How to spot one:
As per this breed’s namesake, the two-fingered typist will use the index finger of each hand for all keyboard use, usually involving much more force than is necessary. This also goes for clicking the mouse. Two-fingered typists don’t understand computers and are proud of the fact. They won’t retain any computer related information, so don’t bother trying to teach them. They’ll routinely (and possibly deliberately) mispronounce common computer terms or use them in the wrong context. My mother calls Firefox “Mottzilla”.
The highs:
Endlessly amusing.
The lows:
Showing your dad how to send an email for literally the fifth or sixth time.
PC User breed #3
The DIY optimist
How to spot one:
Excited by the prospect of maximum performance and low-cost repairs, the DIY optimist sees actual technical knowledge as unnecessary in the pursuit of PC perfection. BIOS is not a computer’s central nervous system — to the DIY optimist, it’s a playground: a place to change variables and “See what happens.” The occasional BSOD is to be expected. It will usually take the destruction of one or more CPUs before this breed will concede defeat and call a repair shop.
The highs:
When it works, it works. DIY optimists tend to get there eventually (though a few parts might be confined to the scrap-heap along the way).
The lows:
When it fails, it fails catastrophically. DIY optimists can turn a minor RAM allocation problem into a hazardous electrical fire with seemingly very little effort.
PC User breed #4
The blinkered office-worker
How to spot one:
Has been using a computer for 12 years but will rave to you about a cute little program they just discovered called ‘Paint’. Can create multi-layered tables and a complicated footnote system in Word but can’t work out how to change their screen resolution. Will use the internet only to do things they already know how to do offline (i.e. read the paper, check weather and send greeting cards). Discovered ‘Solitaire’ five years ago and have never turned back.
The highs:
Associate computers with mind-numbing work and thus spend as little time as possible using them after hours. Tend to be more tanned than the rest of us.
The lows:
Extremely adverse to trying anything new and computer-related.
PC User breed #5
The obnoxious expert
How to spot one:
Knows a lot about computers and is not content to do so quietly. Can usually be found accumulating an insanely high forum post count primarily by answering tech or gaming related questions with a heavy dose of subtle humiliation. Will disagree with everything and everyone. Uses the word “Obviously” as much as possible.
The highs:
When you can wade through the disdain far enough to extract a nugget of useful advice.
The lows:
When you find out that the freelancer you just contracted is one of these guys.
PC user breed #6
The upgrade fanatic
How to spot one:
You’ll usually spot their PC tower first as a beam of neon shoots into your eye and temporarily blinds you. When you regain your vision you’ll see a vaguely rectangular object which looks a little bit like a miniature alien spaceship with spinning objects, lasers and drifting motes of dry ice inside. If the owner isn’t around, he’ll probably be at the mailbox picking up a new shipment of neon tubing. The crazed modder’s PC will usually be worth at least twice as much as their car.
The highs:
Will eagerly install new hardware for you and may even give you hand-me-down parts which are probably three or four times better than what you’re currently using.
The lows:
They pour thousands upon thousands of dollars into an object that, over time, depreciates almost as fast as underwear.
PC user breed #7
The fixer
How to spot one:
Their PC runs like a dream. They Defrag several times a month, perform regular virus checks and have installed a complicated network of firewalls. If something does go wrong, will insist on fixing the problem personally rather than pay a repair center to do it, almost as a matter of honor. Will volunteer to “help fix” any computer that doesn’t run to their high standards (i.e. any computer other than their own).
The highs:
Can be genuinely useful, particularly when paired with a traumatized virus victim or two-fingered typist.
The lows:
Will chastise you for not fixing that critical hard drive failure yourself.
PC user breed #8
The PC evangelist
How to spot one:
Hates Macs with remarkable intensity, despite having never used one long enough to understand how they work. Will start an argument with every Mac user they encounter and belittle them for their choice of OS. Will claim that PCs must be superior because so many more people use them (logic that also makes Akon a superior musician to Sufjan Stevens, because more people buy Akon’s albums). Can usually be seen with an iPod in one ear and an iPhone pressed to the other.
* Note: Mac evangelists are just as annoying.
The highs:
Great conversation-starter for fellow PC users.
The lows:
Does not mix well with Mac users.
PC user breed #9
The addict
How to spot one:
All phone conversations with addicts will be characterized by the faint sound of typing and delayed one-word responses that often don’t quite line up with the question you asked. Will usually only leave the room containing their computer to relieve themselves or scavenge for food and water (unless they’re playing World of Warcraft, in which case these things are not always sufficient motivations… ouch). Will indicate that they want you to stop bothering them by looking intently at the computer screen as they answer your questions. You probably won’t see the person much for the duration of the addiction.
The highs:
Quite good if you don’t like the person much (for example, a weird house-mate).
The lows:
Bad if you like the person (for example, a spouse).
PC user breed #10
The GTD maniac
How to spot one:
Will spend many hours setting up and refining a complicated folder system which saves less time than is spent on maintaining it. Is plagued by constant guilt because they’re “Not doing it properly.” Regards anything other than a blank desktop as “clutter”. Will allocate a weekly “clean up” session, even if there’s nothing to clean. Will delete important files rather than store them, even if they have a 400 Gigabyte hard drive with 380 Gigabytes free.
The highs:
Will achieve occasional ’serene’ states where they feel like everything is perfectly ordered and as it should be.
The lows:
Usually fail to realize that a highly complicated, regimental productivity system is a symptom of over-work, not a cure for it.
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
PC user breed #1
The traumatized virus victim
How to spot one:
Will not open any email attachments you send, including images, documents and MP3s. Burn them a CD of music and they’ll ask if they can get a virus from it. Will decline to accept images and MP3s sent over IM “Just in case”. Will usually be running five or six Anti-Virus programs which pop up every few seconds, but somehow manage to get a new virus every other day. Have stopped deleting the ‘Online Casino’ shortcuts from their desktop. Have not yet discovered how to turn on a Firewall and have no desire to learn.
The highs:
Easily impressed by any computer that works.
The lows:
Will remain paranoid and impervious to logic on any computer-related topic.
PC user breed #2
The two-fingered typist
How to spot one:
As per this breed’s namesake, the two-fingered typist will use the index finger of each hand for all keyboard use, usually involving much more force than is necessary. This also goes for clicking the mouse. Two-fingered typists don’t understand computers and are proud of the fact. They won’t retain any computer related information, so don’t bother trying to teach them. They’ll routinely (and possibly deliberately) mispronounce common computer terms or use them in the wrong context. My mother calls Firefox “Mottzilla”.
The highs:
Endlessly amusing.
The lows:
Showing your dad how to send an email for literally the fifth or sixth time.
PC User breed #3
The DIY optimist
How to spot one:
Excited by the prospect of maximum performance and low-cost repairs, the DIY optimist sees actual technical knowledge as unnecessary in the pursuit of PC perfection. BIOS is not a computer’s central nervous system — to the DIY optimist, it’s a playground: a place to change variables and “See what happens.” The occasional BSOD is to be expected. It will usually take the destruction of one or more CPUs before this breed will concede defeat and call a repair shop.
The highs:
When it works, it works. DIY optimists tend to get there eventually (though a few parts might be confined to the scrap-heap along the way).
The lows:
When it fails, it fails catastrophically. DIY optimists can turn a minor RAM allocation problem into a hazardous electrical fire with seemingly very little effort.
PC User breed #4
The blinkered office-worker
How to spot one:
Has been using a computer for 12 years but will rave to you about a cute little program they just discovered called ‘Paint’. Can create multi-layered tables and a complicated footnote system in Word but can’t work out how to change their screen resolution. Will use the internet only to do things they already know how to do offline (i.e. read the paper, check weather and send greeting cards). Discovered ‘Solitaire’ five years ago and have never turned back.
The highs:
Associate computers with mind-numbing work and thus spend as little time as possible using them after hours. Tend to be more tanned than the rest of us.
The lows:
Extremely adverse to trying anything new and computer-related.
PC User breed #5
The obnoxious expert
How to spot one:
Knows a lot about computers and is not content to do so quietly. Can usually be found accumulating an insanely high forum post count primarily by answering tech or gaming related questions with a heavy dose of subtle humiliation. Will disagree with everything and everyone. Uses the word “Obviously” as much as possible.
The highs:
When you can wade through the disdain far enough to extract a nugget of useful advice.
The lows:
When you find out that the freelancer you just contracted is one of these guys.
PC user breed #6
The upgrade fanatic
How to spot one:
You’ll usually spot their PC tower first as a beam of neon shoots into your eye and temporarily blinds you. When you regain your vision you’ll see a vaguely rectangular object which looks a little bit like a miniature alien spaceship with spinning objects, lasers and drifting motes of dry ice inside. If the owner isn’t around, he’ll probably be at the mailbox picking up a new shipment of neon tubing. The crazed modder’s PC will usually be worth at least twice as much as their car.
The highs:
Will eagerly install new hardware for you and may even give you hand-me-down parts which are probably three or four times better than what you’re currently using.
The lows:
They pour thousands upon thousands of dollars into an object that, over time, depreciates almost as fast as underwear.
PC user breed #7
The fixer
How to spot one:
Their PC runs like a dream. They Defrag several times a month, perform regular virus checks and have installed a complicated network of firewalls. If something does go wrong, will insist on fixing the problem personally rather than pay a repair center to do it, almost as a matter of honor. Will volunteer to “help fix” any computer that doesn’t run to their high standards (i.e. any computer other than their own).
The highs:
Can be genuinely useful, particularly when paired with a traumatized virus victim or two-fingered typist.
The lows:
Will chastise you for not fixing that critical hard drive failure yourself.
PC user breed #8
The PC evangelist
How to spot one:
Hates Macs with remarkable intensity, despite having never used one long enough to understand how they work. Will start an argument with every Mac user they encounter and belittle them for their choice of OS. Will claim that PCs must be superior because so many more people use them (logic that also makes Akon a superior musician to Sufjan Stevens, because more people buy Akon’s albums). Can usually be seen with an iPod in one ear and an iPhone pressed to the other.
* Note: Mac evangelists are just as annoying.
The highs:
Great conversation-starter for fellow PC users.
The lows:
Does not mix well with Mac users.
PC user breed #9
The addict
How to spot one:
All phone conversations with addicts will be characterized by the faint sound of typing and delayed one-word responses that often don’t quite line up with the question you asked. Will usually only leave the room containing their computer to relieve themselves or scavenge for food and water (unless they’re playing World of Warcraft, in which case these things are not always sufficient motivations… ouch). Will indicate that they want you to stop bothering them by looking intently at the computer screen as they answer your questions. You probably won’t see the person much for the duration of the addiction.
The highs:
Quite good if you don’t like the person much (for example, a weird house-mate).
The lows:
Bad if you like the person (for example, a spouse).
PC user breed #10
The GTD maniac
How to spot one:
Will spend many hours setting up and refining a complicated folder system which saves less time than is spent on maintaining it. Is plagued by constant guilt because they’re “Not doing it properly.” Regards anything other than a blank desktop as “clutter”. Will allocate a weekly “clean up” session, even if there’s nothing to clean. Will delete important files rather than store them, even if they have a 400 Gigabyte hard drive with 380 Gigabytes free.
The highs:
Will achieve occasional ’serene’ states where they feel like everything is perfectly ordered and as it should be.
The lows:
Usually fail to realize that a highly complicated, regimental productivity system is a symptom of over-work, not a cure for it.
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
What Dave Barry Learned in 50 Years
- Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
- If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
- There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
- People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
- You should not confuse your career with your life.
- Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
- Never lick a steak knife.
- The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
- You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
- You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
- There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
- The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
- A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
- Your friends love you anyway.
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
torsdag 6. mars 2008
Arrested for laughing!
This is from an actual trial in the UK : A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.
When She Noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on Account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing...... She had him arrested.
Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.
His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant.. She sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'.
I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'.
Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'
The case was dismissed!
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
When She Noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on Account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing...... She had him arrested.
Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.
His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant.. She sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'.
I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'.
Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'
The case was dismissed!
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Top 10 Pick Up Line Rejections
Man: “Hi, I’m a millionaire!”
Woman: “Hi, I work for the IRS.”
Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: Female impersonator.
Man: So, wanna go back to my place?
Woman: Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?
Man: Hey, baby, what’s your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: For the first half of it, I probably wasn’t born yet.
Man: Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason!
Woman: Yeah! To pick up some chicks!
Man: Haven’t we met before?
Woman: Yes, I’m the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.
Man: I’d like to call you. What’s your number?
Woman: It’s in the phone book.
Man: But I don’t know your name.
Woman: That’s in the phone book too.
Man: “I’d really like to get into your pants.”
Woman: “No thanks. There’s already one asshole in there..”
Man: “How do you like your eggs in the morning?”
Woman: “Unfertilized.”
You didn’t think you would get away that easily did you ladies? Here are 7 rebuttals for the boys.
Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there thinks you’re a fat skank.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Probably because you’d be on your knees greeting my crotch.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I’ll go to mine.
Man: That’s cool, ’cause after I’m done sleeping with you in the back of my car, I don’t give a crap where you go.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: No problem, I can always withdraw onto your face.
Man: Do you want to dance?
Woman: No!
Man: I think you misheard me. I said you look fat in those pants.
Man: If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.
Man: That works for me… as long as you’re still warm when I do you.
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Woman: “Hi, I work for the IRS.”
Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: Female impersonator.
Man: So, wanna go back to my place?
Woman: Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?
Man: Hey, baby, what’s your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: For the first half of it, I probably wasn’t born yet.
Man: Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason!
Woman: Yeah! To pick up some chicks!
Man: Haven’t we met before?
Woman: Yes, I’m the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.
Man: I’d like to call you. What’s your number?
Woman: It’s in the phone book.
Man: But I don’t know your name.
Woman: That’s in the phone book too.
Man: “I’d really like to get into your pants.”
Woman: “No thanks. There’s already one asshole in there..”
Man: “How do you like your eggs in the morning?”
Woman: “Unfertilized.”
You didn’t think you would get away that easily did you ladies? Here are 7 rebuttals for the boys.
Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there thinks you’re a fat skank.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Probably because you’d be on your knees greeting my crotch.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I’ll go to mine.
Man: That’s cool, ’cause after I’m done sleeping with you in the back of my car, I don’t give a crap where you go.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: No problem, I can always withdraw onto your face.
Man: Do you want to dance?
Woman: No!
Man: I think you misheard me. I said you look fat in those pants.
Man: If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.
Man: That works for me… as long as you’re still warm when I do you.
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Widsom of Children
Words of wisdom from children...
1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10
2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?"
don't answer him. - Michael, 14
3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14
4. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9
5. Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13
6. Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13
7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10
8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
- Taylia, 11
9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your
school assignment - Traci, 14
10. Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers.
- Mitchell, 12
11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. - Andrew, 9
12. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, 9
13. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, 9
14. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. - Kellie, 11
15. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. - Naomi, 15
16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9
17. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10
18. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's
on the phone. - Alyesha, 13
19. Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10
2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?"
don't answer him. - Michael, 14
3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14
4. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9
5. Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13
6. Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13
7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10
8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
- Taylia, 11
9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your
school assignment - Traci, 14
10. Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers.
- Mitchell, 12
11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. - Andrew, 9
12. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, 9
13. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, 9
14. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. - Kellie, 11
15. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. - Naomi, 15
16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9
17. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10
18. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's
on the phone. - Alyesha, 13
19. Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Beer! (and other posters...)
Can you deny it? :-)
I'm a gamer, and cant agree more to this one
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
I'm a gamer, and cant agree more to this one
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Inventions...
Why have nobody thought about this before? Its so obvious...
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Bad job... (2)
And you thought that your job was bad ? Think again....
poor doggie...
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
poor doggie...
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Bread Kills!
Have you ever considered?
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. Every piece of bread you eat brings you nearer to death.
5. Bread is associated with all the major diseases of the body. For example, nearly all sick people have eaten bread. The effects are obviously cumulative:
* 99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten bread.
* 100% of all soldiers have eaten bread.
* 96.9% of all Communist sympathizers have eaten bread.
* 99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate bread within 6 months preceding the accident.
* 93.1% of juvenile delinquents came from homes where bread is served frequently.
6. Evidence points to the long-term effects of bread eating: Of all people born before 1839 who later dined on bread, there has been a 100% mortality rate.
7. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as a teaspoon of dough can be used to suffocate a lab rat. The average American eats more bread than that in one day!
8. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
9. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and being fed only water begged for bread after as little as two days.
10. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
11. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
12. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
13. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
14. Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. Every piece of bread you eat brings you nearer to death.
5. Bread is associated with all the major diseases of the body. For example, nearly all sick people have eaten bread. The effects are obviously cumulative:
* 99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten bread.
* 100% of all soldiers have eaten bread.
* 96.9% of all Communist sympathizers have eaten bread.
* 99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate bread within 6 months preceding the accident.
* 93.1% of juvenile delinquents came from homes where bread is served frequently.
6. Evidence points to the long-term effects of bread eating: Of all people born before 1839 who later dined on bread, there has been a 100% mortality rate.
7. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as a teaspoon of dough can be used to suffocate a lab rat. The average American eats more bread than that in one day!
8. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
9. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and being fed only water begged for bread after as little as two days.
10. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
11. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
12. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
13. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
14. Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
mandag 3. mars 2008
Whales .. (joke)
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. “Whales can’t swallow people,” the teacher said. “Even though they are large mammals, their throats are very small.”
“But Jonah was swallowed by a whale,” the little girl replied.
“That just can’t be,” the teacher said. “It’s physically impossible.”
“When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah,” said the little girl.
The teacher looked down at her, smiled and asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
“But Jonah was swallowed by a whale,” the little girl replied.
“That just can’t be,” the teacher said. “It’s physically impossible.”
“When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah,” said the little girl.
The teacher looked down at her, smiled and asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
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