Funny One-liners....

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

When in doubt, mumble.

I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.


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Banzai Harakiri