tirsdag 30. juni 2009
mandag 29. juni 2009
lørdag 27. juni 2009
The talking clock!
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night,
the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied.
"How does it work?"
"Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For God's sake,
you bastard, it's 2 am in the morning!!"
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied.
"How does it work?"
"Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For God's sake,
you bastard, it's 2 am in the morning!!"
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk:
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate
Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk:
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk:
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate
Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk:
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Psychic Hotline
The company where my brother worked had a phone system that rerouted after-hours calls. If any calls came in on a certain line while he was working late, Dave knew it would be a wrong number.
It got to the point where, as soon as the phone rang, Dave would pick up and say, "Psychic Hotline. I'm sorry, but you've dialed the wrong number."
The callers would often reply with something like, "I didn't even ask to speak to anyone yet. How did you know I dialed the wrong... Oh!" (Click)
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
It got to the point where, as soon as the phone rang, Dave would pick up and say, "Psychic Hotline. I'm sorry, but you've dialed the wrong number."
The callers would often reply with something like, "I didn't even ask to speak to anyone yet. How did you know I dialed the wrong... Oh!" (Click)
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
torsdag 25. juni 2009
Why Daddy Didn’t Come To Work…
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee’s home phone # and was greeted with a child’s whisper
“Hello”
Is your daddy home? he asked.
“Yes.” whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?
The child whispered, “no.”
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your mommy there?”
“Yes.”
May I talk with her?
Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the asked, “Is anybody else there?”
“Yes” whispered the child, “A policeman !!”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy.” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?”
“Talking to daddy and mommy and the fireman,” came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A helicopter.” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed.”
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle……..
“ME !”
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
“Hello”
Is your daddy home? he asked.
“Yes.” whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?
The child whispered, “no.”
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your mommy there?”
“Yes.”
May I talk with her?
Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the asked, “Is anybody else there?”
“Yes” whispered the child, “A policeman !!”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy.” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?”
“Talking to daddy and mommy and the fireman,” came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A helicopter.” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed.”
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle……..
“ME !”
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
tirsdag 23. juni 2009
Kiss and slap...
A young technician and his general manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.
After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each because they are giving each other "looks." Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.
The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."
The General manager is setting there thinking: "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"
The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"
The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his general manager all at the same time!!
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each because they are giving each other "looks." Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.
The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."
The General manager is setting there thinking: "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"
The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"
The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his general manager all at the same time!!
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
mandag 22. juni 2009
mandag 15. juni 2009
Heard During Colonoscopy
A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
* I usually don't do this on the first date.
* "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
* "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
* "Can you hear me now?"
* "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
* "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
* "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
* "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out, you put your left and in and you shake it all about...."
* "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
* "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
* "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
* "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
And the best one of them all...
* "Could you write a note for my wife saying that, in your considered medical opinion, my head is not up there?"
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
* I usually don't do this on the first date.
* "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
* "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
* "Can you hear me now?"
* "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
* "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
* "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
* "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out, you put your left and in and you shake it all about...."
* "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
* "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
* "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
* "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
And the best one of them all...
* "Could you write a note for my wife saying that, in your considered medical opinion, my head is not up there?"
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Toilet Paper Trick
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. The husband comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.”
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. “How long will this take?” she asks.
“They’ll grow larger over a period of years,” he replies.
The wife stops. “Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?”
The husband shrugs. “Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?”
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. “How long will this take?” she asks.
“They’ll grow larger over a period of years,” he replies.
The wife stops. “Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?”
The husband shrugs. “Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?”
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse
This is nice to know, you never know, you know?
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
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Banzai Harakiri
Dating in the 60s
It's the summer of 1960 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue .
Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue 's mother answers and invites him in. 'Peggy Sue 's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' she says.
That's cool. Peggy Sue 's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.
Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie.
Peggy Sue 's mother responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.'
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says 'Wha...aaat?'
'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue 's mother, 'We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!'
Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with Her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, 'Have a good Evening kids,' with a small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:
'It's The Twist, Mother! The Twist! It's called The Twist'!
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue 's mother answers and invites him in. 'Peggy Sue 's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' she says.
That's cool. Peggy Sue 's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.
Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie.
Peggy Sue 's mother responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.'
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says 'Wha...aaat?'
'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue 's mother, 'We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!'
Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with Her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, 'Have a good Evening kids,' with a small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:
'It's The Twist, Mother! The Twist! It's called The Twist'!
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Txt msg's...
For those of you that havent learned what all those short-version of
txt words stands for...
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
txt words stands for...
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Banzai Harakiri
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