Bubba’s sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, “Ma’am, you had twins — a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.”
The woman thinks to herself, “Oh, no! Not ;Bubba — he’s CRAZY.”
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, “What’s the girl’s name?”
“Your brother named her Denise,” the doctor answers.
The new mother thinks, “That’s a beautiful name. I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like the name Denise.”
Then she asks the doctor, “What’s the boy’s name?”
The doctor replies, “Denephew”
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
fredag 20. mars 2009
Philosophy of Sex (quotes)
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
—Tom Clancy
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
—Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand."
—Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
—Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
—Lynn Lavner
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
—Matt Barry
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
—Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
—George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
—Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex—-no matter what she’s reading."
—Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
—Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
—Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady — and you didn’t think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet."
—Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
—Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
—Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
—Robert De Niro
"There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?"
—Dustin Hoffman
"There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked."
—Jerry Seinfeld
"Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house."
—Rod Stewart
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
—Tom Clancy
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
—Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand."
—Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
—Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
—Lynn Lavner
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
—Matt Barry
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
—Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
—George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
—Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex—-no matter what she’s reading."
—Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
—Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
—Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady — and you didn’t think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet."
—Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
—Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
—Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
—Robert De Niro
"There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?"
—Dustin Hoffman
"There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked."
—Jerry Seinfeld
"Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house."
—Rod Stewart
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Addicted....
I have a memory of posting this one before, but I'm to lazy to check, so here it goes again :-)
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
torsdag 19. mars 2009
From phone support...
(I was doing rebates for cellphones at the time…)
Me: “Thank you for calling ****. How may I help you?”
Customer: “Okay, so I want my rebate.”
Me: “Alright, all I need from you is the cellphone number.”
Customer: “I don’t have one.”
Me: “…you don’t have a cellphone number?”
Customer: “No, but I want my rebate.”
Me: “So, you do know that in order to receive a rebate, you actually need to purchase a cellphone?”
Customer: “For **** sakes. You’re telling me that in order to get MY rebate, I need to go out, waste MY gas, and with MY money, buy a cellphone?”
Me: “Well, that would be the general idea of getting a reimbursement on something you had purchased.”
Customer: “But I just want the money back…”
Me: “Well, it’s not like this is free money.”
Customer: “…it’s not?”
Me: “No.”
(After about 20 seconds of silence, the customer hangs up.)
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Me: “Thank you for calling ****. How may I help you?”
Customer: “Okay, so I want my rebate.”
Me: “Alright, all I need from you is the cellphone number.”
Customer: “I don’t have one.”
Me: “…you don’t have a cellphone number?”
Customer: “No, but I want my rebate.”
Me: “So, you do know that in order to receive a rebate, you actually need to purchase a cellphone?”
Customer: “For **** sakes. You’re telling me that in order to get MY rebate, I need to go out, waste MY gas, and with MY money, buy a cellphone?”
Me: “Well, that would be the general idea of getting a reimbursement on something you had purchased.”
Customer: “But I just want the money back…”
Me: “Well, it’s not like this is free money.”
Customer: “…it’s not?”
Me: “No.”
(After about 20 seconds of silence, the customer hangs up.)
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Huey, Dewey and.... (joke)
This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in
each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He
has a few drinks and chats with the bartender.
The bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about
the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the
ducks.
They chat for about 30 minutes before the bloke with the ducks has to
go to the rest room. The ducks are left on the Bar.
The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence.
The bartender decides to try to make some conversation.
"What's your name?" He says to the first duck. "Huey" said the duck.
"How's your day been?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."
"Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender.
Then he says to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?"
"Dewey" came the answer.
"So how's your day been?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If
I had the chance another day I would do the same again."
So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be
Louie"
"No", growls the 3rd duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my
fucking day!"
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He
has a few drinks and chats with the bartender.
The bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about
the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the
ducks.
They chat for about 30 minutes before the bloke with the ducks has to
go to the rest room. The ducks are left on the Bar.
The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence.
The bartender decides to try to make some conversation.
"What's your name?" He says to the first duck. "Huey" said the duck.
"How's your day been?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."
"Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender.
Then he says to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?"
"Dewey" came the answer.
"So how's your day been?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If
I had the chance another day I would do the same again."
So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be
Louie"
"No", growls the 3rd duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my
fucking day!"
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
How old are you? (joke)
A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite."
"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex"..
:-)
.
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite."
"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex"..
:-)
.
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
onsdag 18. mars 2009
mandag 16. mars 2009
Have You Ever Wondered Why Men Lie?
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe."Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?"the Lord asked.
"Yes", he replied.
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Angelina Jolie.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, "Oh, forgive me, Lord.
It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Angelina Jolie, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no'to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don't want her to share me with anyone, so THAT'S why I said yes to Angelina Jolie."
The moral of this story is:
Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others… MOSTLY his wife!
That's our story, and we're sticking to it..
THE GUYS
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe."Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?"the Lord asked.
"Yes", he replied.
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Angelina Jolie.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, "Oh, forgive me, Lord.
It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Angelina Jolie, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no'to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don't want her to share me with anyone, so THAT'S why I said yes to Angelina Jolie."
The moral of this story is:
Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others… MOSTLY his wife!
That's our story, and we're sticking to it..
THE GUYS
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
søndag 15. mars 2009
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