_______________
Banzai Harakiri
tirsdag 26. oktober 2010
mandag 25. oktober 2010
Wife Questions
Subject: Questions
WIFE: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?”
HUSBAND: “Definitely not!”
WIFE: “Why not - don’t you like being married?”
HUSBAND: “Of course I do.”
WIFE: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”
HUSBAND: “Okay, I’d get married again.”
WIFE: “You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: “Would you live in our house?”
HUSBAND: “Sure, it’s a great house.”
WIFE: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
HUSBAND: “Where else would we sleep?”
WIFE: “Would you let her drive my car?”
HUSBAND: “Probably, it is almost new.”
WIFE: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?”
HUSBAND: “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”
WIFE: “Would she use my golf clubs?”
HUSBAND: “No, she’s left-handed.”
WIFE: - - - silence - -
HUSBAND: “F**k”
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
WIFE: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?”
HUSBAND: “Definitely not!”
WIFE: “Why not - don’t you like being married?”
HUSBAND: “Of course I do.”
WIFE: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”
HUSBAND: “Okay, I’d get married again.”
WIFE: “You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: “Would you live in our house?”
HUSBAND: “Sure, it’s a great house.”
WIFE: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
HUSBAND: “Where else would we sleep?”
WIFE: “Would you let her drive my car?”
HUSBAND: “Probably, it is almost new.”
WIFE: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?”
HUSBAND: “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”
WIFE: “Would she use my golf clubs?”
HUSBAND: “No, she’s left-handed.”
WIFE: - - - silence - -
HUSBAND: “F**k”
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
fredag 15. oktober 2010
Man falls asleep in church
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
torsdag 14. oktober 2010
Anagrams
Anagrams are new words or phrases made by rearranging the letters of the original word or phrase.
Adios, amigos. -- I go so I am sad.
Clint Eastwood -- Old West action
Computer station meltdown -- We lost important document.
Forensic evidence -- Science over fiend
President George W. Bush has won. -- Ah! Depressing news brought woe.
Snooze alarms -- Alas! No more z's.
The countryside -- No city dust here.
The eyes -- They see.
The Morse code -- Here come dots.
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Adios, amigos. -- I go so I am sad.
Clint Eastwood -- Old West action
Computer station meltdown -- We lost important document.
Forensic evidence -- Science over fiend
President George W. Bush has won. -- Ah! Depressing news brought woe.
Snooze alarms -- Alas! No more z's.
The countryside -- No city dust here.
The eyes -- They see.
The Morse code -- Here come dots.
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Gobble Grunt Gobble
Restaurant | San Jose, CA, USA
Me: “Thank you for calling [restaurant], how may I help you?”
Customer: “Hi, I was wondering if you guys sold male chicken?”
Me: “We do sell chicken, but I am not sure we know the gender.”
Customer: “But someone told me that you guys sold male chicken for Thanksgiving dinners.”
Me: “Thanksgiving dinner? Are you talking about a turkey?”
Customer: “Yeah! The male chicken!”
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Me: “Thank you for calling [restaurant], how may I help you?”
Customer: “Hi, I was wondering if you guys sold male chicken?”
Me: “We do sell chicken, but I am not sure we know the gender.”
Customer: “But someone told me that you guys sold male chicken for Thanksgiving dinners.”
Me: “Thanksgiving dinner? Are you talking about a turkey?”
Customer: “Yeah! The male chicken!”
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Ain’t No Mountain Wry Enough
Fast Food | Melbourne, Australia
Me: “…and a large Dew.”
Customer: “I’m sorry, did you just call me a Jew?”
Customer’s wife: “But honey, you are a Jew.”
Me: “Oh no, sorry. I meant a large Mountain Dew.”
Customer: “Oh really? Really, I’m flattered but I’ve never been to the mountains.”
Me: “Ah, sorry?”
Customer: *comically bangs his fists against his chest* “I am the large mountain Jew!”
Customer’s wife: * to me* “I am so sorry about him. Honestly, I can’t take him anywhere.”
Me: “Really, it’s fine.”
Customer: “The large mountain Jew goes anywhere he wants to!”
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Me: “…and a large Dew.”
Customer: “I’m sorry, did you just call me a Jew?”
Customer’s wife: “But honey, you are a Jew.”
Me: “Oh no, sorry. I meant a large Mountain Dew.”
Customer: “Oh really? Really, I’m flattered but I’ve never been to the mountains.”
Me: “Ah, sorry?”
Customer: *comically bangs his fists against his chest* “I am the large mountain Jew!”
Customer’s wife: * to me* “I am so sorry about him. Honestly, I can’t take him anywhere.”
Me: “Really, it’s fine.”
Customer: “The large mountain Jew goes anywhere he wants to!”
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
tirsdag 12. oktober 2010
Thoughts of People Our Age
I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to fall after leaning your chair back a little too far.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
There is a great need for sarcasm font.
Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to fall after leaning your chair back a little too far.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
There is a great need for sarcasm font.
Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
onsdag 6. oktober 2010
Thought You Knew Everything?
1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients in dynamite.
3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
5. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
7. Two thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
8. The longest one syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
9. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
10. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
11. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
12. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
13. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
14. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
15. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
16. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
17. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"
18. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
19. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
20. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
21. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
22. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
23. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."
24. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
25. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
26. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
27. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. (DON'T try this at home)!
28. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
29. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
30. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
31. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
32. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
33. There are 336 dimples on a regular golf ball.
34. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients in dynamite.
3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
5. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
7. Two thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
8. The longest one syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
9. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
10. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
11. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
12. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
13. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
14. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
15. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
16. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
17. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"
18. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
19. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
20. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
21. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
22. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
23. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."
24. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
25. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
26. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
27. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. (DON'T try this at home)!
28. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
29. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
30. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
31. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
32. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
33. There are 336 dimples on a regular golf ball.
34. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Tech support... *sigh*
The following stream of emails is included verbatim. Almost. I'm too utterly baffled by human ineptitude to post a picture. Sorry.
From: Stan Bounatempo
Sent: Tuesday, July 28, 2009 3:35 PM
To: Icarus
Subject: RE: SKYPE
Icarus,
Have you checked to ensure the capacity of my existing computer will handle the new processing demands of Skype?
Thank you
Stan Bounatempo
Sales Director
Adventucorp International Corporation
Phone: cell 555-245-1390
Fax: 555-555-3825
sbuonatempo.at.adventucorp.com
www.adventucorp.com
From: Icarus
Sent: Tuesday, July 28, 2009 5:29 PM
To: Stan Bounatempo
Subject: RE: SKYPE
Yes. Min requirements are a P3 700 MHz with 256 MB RAM.
From: Stan Bounatempo
Sent: Wednesday, July 29, 2009 7:40 AM
To: Icarus
Subject: RE: SKYPE
The reason I asked is because your predecessor installed programs onto all of our computers without checking and we were all locked up for several months. It really hurt my productivity. My computer says under system, Intel R Core TM 2 CPU T-7200 @ 2.00 GHz 997 MHz 1.50 GB RAM
The RAM has already been increased by adding a chip and I was told it is the largest one that can be put into this computer. I am not sure if that really is the case or not. If the minimum requirements are 256 KB of RAM. I am going to be short by 106.
From: Icarus
Sent: Wednesday, July 29, 2009 8:52 AM
To: Stan Bounatempo
Subject: RE: SKYPE
Understood. I've heard horror stories about my esteemed predecessor. However, as you've said, you more than meet spec and should be fine.
From: Stan Bounatempo
Sent: Wednesday, July 29, 2009 8:54 AM
To: Icarus
Subject: RE: SKYPE
I don't know if you've noticed or just don't care, but as I said below, I have a Pentium 2 and 1.5 GB of RAM.
From: Icarus
Sent: Wednesday, July 29, 2009 8:57 AM
To: Stan Bounatempo
Subject: RE: SKYPE
I'm confused. Is this your home system? You have a Dual Core 2 system. You said so yourself.
From: Stan Bounatempo
Sent: Wednesday, July 29, 2009 9:03 AM
To: Icarus
Subject: RE: SKYPE
Icarus,
Kind of a "gotcha" moment. As you just confessed this is a PENTIUM 2. NOT A PENTIUM 3.
From: Icarus
Sent: Wednesday, July 29, 2009 9:04 AM
To: Stan Bounatempo
Subject: RE: SKYPE
A dual core system has 2 cores. It is more recent than the Pentium 3 chips, which only have one.
From: Stan Bounatempo
Sent: Wednesday, July 29, 2009 9:15 AM
To: Icarus
CC: CEO
Subject: RE: SKYPE
Icarus,
I am a salesman not a COMPUTER GURU, but I believe you said it had to be a 700 MHZ SYSTEM. I only HAVE 1.8, ENSTEIN. You also said 256 OF RAM. I ONLY HAVE 2. 2<256. 1.8<700. Perhaps if you actually LISTENED TO US INSTEAD OF BLOWING US OFF AS MORONS AND OLD TIMERS WE COULD GET SOME WORK DONE.
From: Icarus
Sent: Wednesday, July 29, 2009 9:45 AM
To: Stan Bounatempo
Cc: CEO
Subject: RE: SKYPE
First off, while your basic algebra's spot on, you're not converting your units. 1 GB=1024 MB and 1 GHz=1000 MHz. So you have more than enough.
Second, I'll be coming to your region at the end of the month to do an inspection of the network. Maybe you and I could meet up like proper gentlemen and discuss concepts like maintaining our composure, proper capitalization, and the 18th century concept of being honorably "called out". I don't suppose you own your own rapier or epee?..
From: CEO
Sent: Wednesday, July 29, 2009 11:02 AM
To: Stan Bounatempo
CC: Icarus
Subject: RE: SKYPE
Stan,
Allow me to break this down. If you owe me a quarter, and you have a dollar and fifty cents, do you have enough on hand to pay me?
Regards
CEO Bigwater
Decadent Executive
Adventucorp International Corporation
Phone: 555-462-5500
From: Stan Bounatempo
Sent: Wednesday, July 29, 2009 11:03 AM
To: CEO
CC: Icarus
Subject: RE: SKYPE
Hello Mr. Bigwater,
Didn't notice you were on the list. I think I understand it now. Sorry if I was out of control. As I said, I am a salesman; not a computer guru like Icarus. :)
From: CEO
Sent: Wednesday, July 29, 2009 9:47 AM
To: Stan Bounatempo
CC: Icarus
Subject: RE: SKYPE
Learn how to Google, Stan. Seriously.
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
From: Stan Bounatempo
Sent: Tuesday, July 28, 2009 3:35 PM
To: Icarus
Subject: RE: SKYPE
Icarus,
Have you checked to ensure the capacity of my existing computer will handle the new processing demands of Skype?
Thank you
Stan Bounatempo
Sales Director
Adventucorp International Corporation
Phone: cell 555-245-1390
Fax: 555-555-3825
sbuonatempo.at.adventucorp.com
www.adventucorp.com
From: Icarus
Sent: Tuesday, July 28, 2009 5:29 PM
To: Stan Bounatempo
Subject: RE: SKYPE
Yes. Min requirements are a P3 700 MHz with 256 MB RAM.
From: Stan Bounatempo
Sent: Wednesday, July 29, 2009 7:40 AM
To: Icarus
Subject: RE: SKYPE
The reason I asked is because your predecessor installed programs onto all of our computers without checking and we were all locked up for several months. It really hurt my productivity. My computer says under system, Intel R Core TM 2 CPU T-7200 @ 2.00 GHz 997 MHz 1.50 GB RAM
The RAM has already been increased by adding a chip and I was told it is the largest one that can be put into this computer. I am not sure if that really is the case or not. If the minimum requirements are 256 KB of RAM. I am going to be short by 106.
From: Icarus
Sent: Wednesday, July 29, 2009 8:52 AM
To: Stan Bounatempo
Subject: RE: SKYPE
Understood. I've heard horror stories about my esteemed predecessor. However, as you've said, you more than meet spec and should be fine.
From: Stan Bounatempo
Sent: Wednesday, July 29, 2009 8:54 AM
To: Icarus
Subject: RE: SKYPE
I don't know if you've noticed or just don't care, but as I said below, I have a Pentium 2 and 1.5 GB of RAM.
From: Icarus
Sent: Wednesday, July 29, 2009 8:57 AM
To: Stan Bounatempo
Subject: RE: SKYPE
I'm confused. Is this your home system? You have a Dual Core 2 system. You said so yourself.
From: Stan Bounatempo
Sent: Wednesday, July 29, 2009 9:03 AM
To: Icarus
Subject: RE: SKYPE
Icarus,
Kind of a "gotcha" moment. As you just confessed this is a PENTIUM 2. NOT A PENTIUM 3.
From: Icarus
Sent: Wednesday, July 29, 2009 9:04 AM
To: Stan Bounatempo
Subject: RE: SKYPE
A dual core system has 2 cores. It is more recent than the Pentium 3 chips, which only have one.
From: Stan Bounatempo
Sent: Wednesday, July 29, 2009 9:15 AM
To: Icarus
CC: CEO
Subject: RE: SKYPE
Icarus,
I am a salesman not a COMPUTER GURU, but I believe you said it had to be a 700 MHZ SYSTEM. I only HAVE 1.8, ENSTEIN. You also said 256 OF RAM. I ONLY HAVE 2. 2<256. 1.8<700. Perhaps if you actually LISTENED TO US INSTEAD OF BLOWING US OFF AS MORONS AND OLD TIMERS WE COULD GET SOME WORK DONE.
From: Icarus
Sent: Wednesday, July 29, 2009 9:45 AM
To: Stan Bounatempo
Cc: CEO
Subject: RE: SKYPE
First off, while your basic algebra's spot on, you're not converting your units. 1 GB=1024 MB and 1 GHz=1000 MHz. So you have more than enough.
Second, I'll be coming to your region at the end of the month to do an inspection of the network. Maybe you and I could meet up like proper gentlemen and discuss concepts like maintaining our composure, proper capitalization, and the 18th century concept of being honorably "called out". I don't suppose you own your own rapier or epee?..
From: CEO
Sent: Wednesday, July 29, 2009 11:02 AM
To: Stan Bounatempo
CC: Icarus
Subject: RE: SKYPE
Stan,
Allow me to break this down. If you owe me a quarter, and you have a dollar and fifty cents, do you have enough on hand to pay me?
Regards
CEO Bigwater
Decadent Executive
Adventucorp International Corporation
Phone: 555-462-5500
From: Stan Bounatempo
Sent: Wednesday, July 29, 2009 11:03 AM
To: CEO
CC: Icarus
Subject: RE: SKYPE
Hello Mr. Bigwater,
Didn't notice you were on the list. I think I understand it now. Sorry if I was out of control. As I said, I am a salesman; not a computer guru like Icarus. :)
From: CEO
Sent: Wednesday, July 29, 2009 9:47 AM
To: Stan Bounatempo
CC: Icarus
Subject: RE: SKYPE
Learn how to Google, Stan. Seriously.
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Paraprosdokians
explanation: a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or re-interpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.
# I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
# Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
# I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
# Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
# The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
# Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
# If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
# We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
# War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
# Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
# Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
# To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
# A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
# How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
# Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
# Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
# I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
# Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
# Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
# Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
# A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
# You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
# The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
# Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
# A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
# Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
# Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
# Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
# I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
# When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
# You're never too old to learn something stupid.
# To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
# Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
# Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
# A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
# If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
# Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
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Banzai Harakiri
Religion...
Today in church I sat behind a child and his mother. Before mass the mother turned to her son and said 'Hey we don't wear flip flops to church!' to which her son calmly replied 'Jesus wore sandals'.
Genius.
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Banzai Harakiri
Twilight..
Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely, Logic.
(This goes for True Blood fans too...)
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Banzai Harakiri
How to treat your Iphone!
This should be done to all of them, if you ask me....
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Banzai Harakiri
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