_______________
Banzai Harakiri
torsdag 27. august 2009
tirsdag 25. august 2009
Christmas Card for Osama Bin Laden
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Christmas. "Since Christmas is a Christian holiday and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a Christmas card?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a card to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl would have enough love to give Osama a Christmas card, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And, if other kids saw what I did and if they send Christmas cards to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful idea I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow his fucking brains out."
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Banzai Harakiri
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a card to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl would have enough love to give Osama a Christmas card, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And, if other kids saw what I did and if they send Christmas cards to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful idea I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow his fucking brains out."
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Caught farting
A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."
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Banzai Harakiri
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Check with the expert first...
The doctor said, "Jerry, the good news is that I can cure your
headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press
on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Jerry was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to
live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he
had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time
in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new
suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44
long." Jerry laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the
business 60 years!" Jerry tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Jerry admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How
about a new shirt?" Jerry thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Jerry and said, "Let's see...34 sleeve and 16 and a
half neck." Jerry was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the
business 60 years!" Jerry tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
As Jerry adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How
about new shoes?" Jerry was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman
eyed Jerry's feet and said, "Let's see...9-1/2 E." Jerry was astonished,
"That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Jerry tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Jerry walked
comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,
"How about some new underwear?" Jerry thought for a second and said,
"Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."
Jerry laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear
would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give
you one hell of a headache."
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Banzai Harakiri
headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press
on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Jerry was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to
live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he
had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time
in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new
suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44
long." Jerry laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the
business 60 years!" Jerry tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Jerry admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How
about a new shirt?" Jerry thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Jerry and said, "Let's see...34 sleeve and 16 and a
half neck." Jerry was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the
business 60 years!" Jerry tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
As Jerry adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How
about new shoes?" Jerry was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman
eyed Jerry's feet and said, "Let's see...9-1/2 E." Jerry was astonished,
"That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Jerry tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Jerry walked
comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,
"How about some new underwear?" Jerry thought for a second and said,
"Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."
Jerry laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear
would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give
you one hell of a headache."
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
torsdag 20. august 2009
PINK CURTAINS
'A Blonde goes to K-Mart to buy a pair of pink curtains.'
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.
The blonde promptly replies, 'Seventeen inches.'
'Seventeen inches ?' asked the salesman. 'That sounds very small,
what room are they for ?'
The blonde says, 'They aren't for a room, they are for my new
computer monitor.'
The surprised salesman replies, 'But Miss, computers do not need
curtains !'
The blonde says, 'Hellllooooooooo .. I've got Windoooooows.......'
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.
The blonde promptly replies, 'Seventeen inches.'
'Seventeen inches ?' asked the salesman. 'That sounds very small,
what room are they for ?'
The blonde says, 'They aren't for a room, they are for my new
computer monitor.'
The surprised salesman replies, 'But Miss, computers do not need
curtains !'
The blonde says, 'Hellllooooooooo .. I've got Windoooooows.......'
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
tirsdag 18. august 2009
The Last Nickel
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants;
takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel,
which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the
nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill
effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her
saying, "I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was
fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
‘No,’ the woman replied. I’m with the I.R.S..’
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants;
takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel,
which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the
nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill
effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her
saying, "I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was
fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
‘No,’ the woman replied. I’m with the I.R.S..’
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Man with an ostrich
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The
waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,
"What’s yours?"
"I’ll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40
please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change
for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
hamburger, fries and a coke.
The ostrich says, "I’ll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,"
says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your
pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me
two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just
put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That’s brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million
dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long
as you live!"
"That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What’s with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,
"What’s yours?"
"I’ll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40
please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change
for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
hamburger, fries and a coke.
The ostrich says, "I’ll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,"
says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your
pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me
two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just
put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That’s brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million
dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long
as you live!"
"That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What’s with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Da end is near
Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road.
They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:
’Da End is Near Turn Yo Sef ‘Roun Now Afore It Be Too Late!’
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, ‘You religious nuts!’
From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash…
Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, "Do ya tink mebbe da sign should jussay…..’Da Bridge is Out’ ?"
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:
’Da End is Near Turn Yo Sef ‘Roun Now Afore It Be Too Late!’
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, ‘You religious nuts!’
From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash…
Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, "Do ya tink mebbe da sign should jussay…..’Da Bridge is Out’ ?"
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Baptizing a Drunk
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven’t found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven’t found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again — - but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven’t found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven’t found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again — - but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Alcohol Myth
Alcohol does not make you FAT
- it makes you LEAN ….
against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
- it makes you LEAN ….
against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.
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Banzai Harakiri
tirsdag 11. august 2009
Cancel your credit card before you die
Now some people are really stupid!!!!
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.
This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening,
customer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.
Here is the exchange :
Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'
Citibank : 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member : 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
Citibank : 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Member : So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
Citibank : 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member : 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
Citibank: 'Excuse me?'
Family Member : 'Did you just get what I was telling you -
the part about her being dead?'
Citibank : 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member : 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'
Citibank : 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member : 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
Citibank : (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member : 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)
Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member : 'Sure.' (Fax number was given )
After they get the fax :
Citibank : 'Our system just isn't setup for death.
I don't know what more I can do to help.'
Family Member : 'Well, if you figure it out, great!
If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'
Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'
(What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member : 'Would you like her new billing address?'
Citibank : 'That might help...'
Family Member : ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'
Citibank : 'Sir, that's a cemetery !'
Family Member : 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.
This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening,
customer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.
Here is the exchange :
Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'
Citibank : 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member : 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
Citibank : 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Member : So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
Citibank : 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member : 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
Citibank: 'Excuse me?'
Family Member : 'Did you just get what I was telling you -
the part about her being dead?'
Citibank : 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member : 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'
Citibank : 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member : 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
Citibank : (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member : 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)
Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member : 'Sure.' (Fax number was given )
After they get the fax :
Citibank : 'Our system just isn't setup for death.
I don't know what more I can do to help.'
Family Member : 'Well, if you figure it out, great!
If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'
Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'
(What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member : 'Would you like her new billing address?'
Citibank : 'That might help...'
Family Member : ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'
Citibank : 'Sir, that's a cemetery !'
Family Member : 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
David Thorne vs the Landlord
You all remember the dude with the drawing of a spider as payment to this bank?
Well, he rides again... :-)
link: David Thorne vs The Landlord
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Well, he rides again... :-)
link: David Thorne vs The Landlord
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Where is your tattoo?
Its not what your tattoo shows, its where its located that tells all about you...
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
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Banzai Harakiri
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