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Banzai Harakiri
torsdag 18. november 2010
New face...
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
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Banzai Harakiri
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
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Banzai Harakiri
tirsdag 16. november 2010
fredag 12. november 2010
A True Australian Ghost Story
This story happened a short while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds a little Alfred Hitchcock… it’s true. John, a Sydney University student, was hitch hiking about 100 Km’s north of Brisbane on an unlit country road and on a very dark night with a severe storm raging… Thunder, lightning, torrential rain… The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see any more than a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, in a flash of lightning, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and it suddenly stopped just a few feet from where he stood. John, in the dark and driving rain, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door. There was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t on!
The car then began moving slowly.
A little terrified by the sudden movement, without obvious human interaction, John was thinking about jumping from the moving vehicle, but the storm was getting worse… here was a safe haven form the tempest… of sorts… He looked ahead at the road and saw a curve approaching.
Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life… Do I jump, he thought, when suddenly, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.
John, in the dark, with only the flash of the lightning and paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve. John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the slowly moving car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila. He then started telling everybody around him the horrible experience he had just been through. A silence had enveloped everybody when they realized he was crying and wasn’t drunk…
About 5 minutes later, two blokes walked into the same pub. They were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, “Look, Bruce… there’s the idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it.”
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Banzai Harakiri
The car then began moving slowly.
A little terrified by the sudden movement, without obvious human interaction, John was thinking about jumping from the moving vehicle, but the storm was getting worse… here was a safe haven form the tempest… of sorts… He looked ahead at the road and saw a curve approaching.
Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life… Do I jump, he thought, when suddenly, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.
John, in the dark, with only the flash of the lightning and paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve. John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the slowly moving car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila. He then started telling everybody around him the horrible experience he had just been through. A silence had enveloped everybody when they realized he was crying and wasn’t drunk…
About 5 minutes later, two blokes walked into the same pub. They were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, “Look, Bruce… there’s the idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it.”
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Banzai Harakiri
Phrases that sounds like cliches...
You can only milk a dead cow once.
A hair on the head is worth six on the back.
You can't trade shoes with a barefoot monkey.
There are two sides to every waffle.
You can't fill a hat with maybes.
A pit in a peach is worth six in a bucket.
It only rains blood in Idaho.
An honest man eats soap.
There's never enough time to chew all the ice.
A paperclip won't make the dog sit up.
Nobody's too tall for pudding.
A potato with no eyes is better than a calendar with no days.
Anybody can be on top if they take the elevator.
A stapler to the head is the strongest motivator
He folded like a wet watermelon.
You're looking at seven, but you're eating six.
It feels like we're walking towards Cleveland with this one.
If you read the title, you read the index.
Every pig gets twisted some weeks.
I haven't seen you in a year of sunshines.
You can't bend steel with tears.
Not even for county dentistry.
It's worth all you've got plus five pizzas.
First one shaved means last one buried.
Let's run it past Weird Al and see what the parody sounds like.
It's the last pair of pants that'll get ya!
As far as I'm concerned, she hangs the moon and neatly folds the sun.
This guy's the proverbial doctor of Twistin'!
Happiness is the result of careful editing.
Failure runs in the family.
It's like they always say, list comedy is the last resort of the incompetent hack.
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Banzai Harakiri
A hair on the head is worth six on the back.
You can't trade shoes with a barefoot monkey.
There are two sides to every waffle.
You can't fill a hat with maybes.
A pit in a peach is worth six in a bucket.
It only rains blood in Idaho.
An honest man eats soap.
There's never enough time to chew all the ice.
A paperclip won't make the dog sit up.
Nobody's too tall for pudding.
A potato with no eyes is better than a calendar with no days.
Anybody can be on top if they take the elevator.
A stapler to the head is the strongest motivator
He folded like a wet watermelon.
You're looking at seven, but you're eating six.
It feels like we're walking towards Cleveland with this one.
If you read the title, you read the index.
Every pig gets twisted some weeks.
I haven't seen you in a year of sunshines.
You can't bend steel with tears.
Not even for county dentistry.
It's worth all you've got plus five pizzas.
First one shaved means last one buried.
Let's run it past Weird Al and see what the parody sounds like.
It's the last pair of pants that'll get ya!
As far as I'm concerned, she hangs the moon and neatly folds the sun.
This guy's the proverbial doctor of Twistin'!
Happiness is the result of careful editing.
Failure runs in the family.
It's like they always say, list comedy is the last resort of the incompetent hack.
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Banzai Harakiri
Oh Dear, Oh Dear!
Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Larry’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going.
Larry’s friends are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Larry sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
“Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?”
“Well, I’ve been here since yesterday.
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, ‘Guess who?’”
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!
She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
And then she said, “Do what ever you want.”
So, Here I am.
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Banzai Harakiri
Two days before the group is to leave, Larry’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going.
Larry’s friends are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Larry sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
“Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?”
“Well, I’ve been here since yesterday.
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, ‘Guess who?’”
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!
She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
And then she said, “Do what ever you want.”
So, Here I am.
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Banzai Harakiri
The Dawn of the Ted
This will make you think different of Teddy's afterwards...
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Banzai Harakiri
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Banzai Harakiri
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