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Banzai Harakiri
torsdag 30. oktober 2008
Be nice to tech support...
They know more than you think they do...
(Click on the picture to enlarge it)
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Banzai Harakiri
(Click on the picture to enlarge it)
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Banzai Harakiri
Weird things on the internet...
I found this masterpiece here out surfin', and not sure what to classify it as...
Art? Junk? Waste of time?
Check for yourself
link to 'SPIN' (press start and then press on the man).
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Banzai Harakiri
Art? Junk? Waste of time?
Check for yourself
link to 'SPIN' (press start and then press on the man).
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Not the first essay....
I think the teacher have seen a couple of his earlier papers before...
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Banzai Harakiri
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Banzai Harakiri
søndag 26. oktober 2008
torsdag 16. oktober 2008
Mitch Hedberg quotes
* I got an ant farm... them fellas didn't grow shit!
* I went to a doctor, all he did was suck blood from my neck. Don't go see Dr. Acula.
* I had a Mr. Pibb, Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper... but it's the bullshit replica, cause dude didn't even get his degree.
* One time a guy handed me a picture and said "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger! "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera.
* I'd like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks... it'd be so damn literal! You are using that machine to its exact purpose!
* Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
* I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn, because people honk the car horn too much. 3 honks, that's the limit. And then someone cuts you off, ffffft, you press your horn, nothing happens. You're like, "shit! I wish I wouldn't have seen Ricky on the sidewalk!"
* I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
* I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
* I wanna be a race car passenger - just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide."
* My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "no, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah."
* I walked by a drycleaner at 3am, the sign said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry, it's 3am and you're a drycleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk in at 10am and say "Hey, I walked in at 3am and you guys were closed. Somebody owes me an apology."
* I got a business card, cause I wanna win some lunches. That's what my business card says: "Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner."
* I had a paper route when I was a kid, I was a paper boy. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses... or 2 dumpsters!
* I like the hot tubs at the hotels. I like to go there when there's a guy in there already, I say "hey man, you mind if I join you?" He says no. Then I go and I turn the whirlpool heat up, then I go by and I add some carrots and onions. Then I say "hey man, just simmer for a whil- I mean, sit there."
* I would like to have a product that was available for 3 easy payments and one fuckin' complicated payment. We ain't gonna tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch!
* I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. It's like, "dude, you have to wait."
* I saw a commercial that said, "forget everything you know about slip covers!" So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slip covers, but I didn't know what the hell they were.
* Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way, right? "Prices and participation may vary." I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti! And blankets!
* I was gonna have my teeth whitened, but then I said fuck that, I'll just get a tan instead.
* I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I said, "Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!"
* I bought a house, it's a 2-bedroom house. But I think it's up to me how many bedrooms there are, don't you? Fuck you real estate lady, this bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom's over in that guy's house.
* I like the FedEx driver, because he's a drug dealer, and he don't even know it.
* I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down.
* You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number to be catchy? But often times they use too many letters. "Give us a call down here at 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Carpeting." It's too many letters, man. "Hello?" "Hold on, I'm only on 'Enjoy'! How did you know I was calling?"
* I bought a 7 dollar pen, because I always lose pens, and I got sick of not caring.
* I would imagine if you understood Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy!
* I had a small scene in a movie with Peter Frampton. And we had to smoke pot for our scene - but it was fake pot! Do not buy pot on a movie set. But I got to smoke fake pot with Peter Frampton, that's a cool story. It's as cool as smoking real pot with a guy who looks like Peter Frampton... I've done that way more.
* The thing that's depressing about tennis is, no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once... they're fucking relentless!
* People ask me what words mean... they say, "what does 'composition' mean?" Some people would say, "put it in a sentence." But I need a little more. "Put it in a play."
* If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and someone offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Because inside is a note that says "say thanks."
* Every book is a children's book, if the kid can read!
* My friend said to me "I think the weather's trippy." And I said "No man, it's not the weather that's trippy. Perhaps it is the way that we percieve it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought "man, I should have just said 'yeah'."
* I like escalators, because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You would never see an "escalator temporarily out of order" sign, just "Escalator temporarily stairs... sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."
* When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light... and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
* I was in a hotel room and my friend comes over, he says "can I use the phone?" I said "certainly." He said "do I need to dial 9?" "Yeah... especially if it's in the number. You can try 4 and 5 back to back real quick."
* I wanna get a job naming kitchen appliances, that seems easy. Refrigerator, toaster, blender... you just say what the thing does, then you add "er". Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute... "What does this thing do?" "It keeps shit fresh." "Well then that's a fresher! I'm going on break."
* I did a radio interview with XM radio... they said "you can swear on XM radio." No shit, cause nobody can hear it. You can swear in the woods, too!
* As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes... all exciting at first, but then by the end you're fuckin' sick of em.
* Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. Goddammit Otto, you're an alcoholic! Goddammit Otto, you have lupus! One of those two doesn't sound right.
* I know a lot about cars, I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
* I say the word "totally" way too much. I need to change it and use a word that's different but means the same. "Mitch, do you like submarine sandwiches?" "All-encompassingly!"
* I went to the Home Depot the other day, which was unnecessary... I need to go to the Apartment Depot, which is just a big warehouse with people standing around saying "hey, we ain't gotta fix shit!"
* I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
* I like refried beans, that's why I wanna try fried beans. Cause maybe they're just as good, and we're wasting time. You don't have to fry them again, after all!
* I hate dreaming, because when you wanna sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, you know? Like there I am, laying in my comfortable bed in my hotel room... next thing I know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
* I drank some boiling water, because I wanted to whistle.
* On a traffic light, green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana, it's just the opposite. Green means hold on. Yellow means go ahead. And red means, where the fuck did you get that banana at?
* My apartment is infested with koala bears... it's the cutest infestation ever! Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want 'em to, you know?
* I don't have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it. So I would buy a baby naming book... or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on!
* I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographers' fault! Bigfoot is blurry... and that's extra scary to me. Cause there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.
* I opened up a yogurt, and underneath the lid it said "please try again", because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. "Come on Mitchell, don't give up... please try again." A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.
* I miss the $2... I could break a $2.
* My sister wanted to be an actress... she never made it, but she does live in a trailer. She got half-way. It's like she's an actress, she's just never called to the set.
* Sometimes I wave to people I don't know... very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky! Look what I got, motherfucker... this thing is useful! I'm gonna go pick something up!
* Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus? Or just a really cool opotamus?
* I did a radio interview, the DJ's first question was "who are you?" I had to think: is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?
* I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet, because Pizza Hut will accept all competitors' coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. "Mitch's Pizzaria... this week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free."
* Last time I called shotgun, we had rented a limo... so I fucked up.
* Foosball fucked up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball, and then spin around and round. I can't do a backflip, much less several... simultaneously with two other guys... that look just like me.
* I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on 'em. Hell yeah! Reminds me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque, and throw down on some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on... "you better flip that Frito dad, you know how I like it."
* You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just gonna ask where they're going, and hook up with them later.
* Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit! You would not want to submerge your head... nothing but fish going "Ahhhh, fuck! I thought I looked like that rock!"
* The club owner here hooks me up with drugs, like cocaine or pot brownies. But last time I was in town he gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted. But I'm not, so what happened to me was I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would be telling me a story, then the story would end and I'd get all mad and shit. "Come on man, there's gotta be more to that story!"
* I wake up in the morning, I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, then I don't do shit for an hour. Which makes me wonder why I need the instant oatmeal! I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.
* I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument. Cause then I tried to walk out, and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zip it up really quick?
* I mumble a lot off stage, I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend, and I say something, he won't hear me, he'll say "what?" So I'll say it again, but once again he doesn't hear me, so he says "what?" But really it's just some insignificant shit that I'm saying... but now I'm yelling, "That tree is far away!"
* I did comedy for a fundraiser once, we were trying to raise money to buy one of those machines that shows how much money has been raised.
* I've had the AIDS test four times. And that shit is scary, doesn't matter what you've been doing. So I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore, I get the roundabout AIDS test. I call up my friend Brian and say "Brian, do you know anyone that has AIDS? No? Cool... cause you know me."
* I get the Reese's candy bar... if you read that name, Reese's, that's an "apostrophe s" on the end of that name. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar and a guy named Reese comes buy and says "let me have that", you better hand it over. "I'm sorry Reese, I didn't think I'd ever run into you. You're a fuckin' bully, man!"
* The Kit-Kat candy bar has the name "Kit-Kat" imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique. I'll go down to the factory... "you owe me some letters!"
* As a comedian, I always get into situations where I'm auditioning for movies and sitcoms, you know? As a comedian, they want you to do other things besides comedy. They say "alright you're a comedian, can you write? Write us a script. Act in this sitcom." They want me to do shit that's related to comedy, but it's not comedy, man. It's not fair, you know? It's as though if I was a cook, and I worked my ass off to become a really good cook, and they said "alright you're a cook... can you farm?"
* This one guy said "look at that girl's butt! She has a nice butt." I said "yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently."
* 2 in 1 shampoo... 2 in 1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created. If it was 2 in 1, it would be overflowing... the bottle would be all sticky and shit.
* I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut, man, I'll just give you the money then you give me the doughnut! End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend... don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut! I got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it's at home... in the file... under 'D'.
* I called the hotel operator, she said "how can I direct your call?" Well, you could say "action!" And I will begin to dial. And then when I say goodbye, you could yell "cut!"
* When we were on acid, we would go into the woods... cause when you're in the woods tripping, there's less likely a chance you'll run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. That was even more of a buzzkill. My friend Dwayne was standing there raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. We got away from the bear, he put his arm around my shoulder, he said "Mitchell... Smokey is way more intense in person!"
* I had the cab driver drive me here backwards... the fucker owed me $27.50!
* I bought a scratch-off ticket, but then I accidentally spilled some cortizone cream on it, so it did not need to be scratched.
* I played in a death metal band. People either loved us or they hated us... or they thought we were okay. A lot of death metal bands have intense names, like "Rigormortis" or "Mortuary" or "Obituary". We weren't that intense, we just went with "Injured". Later on we changed it to "A Capella"... as we were walking out of the pawn shop.
* I'm an ice sculptor... last night I made a cube.
* I was in downtown Boise Idaho and I saw a duck. And I knew the duck was lost, cause ducks ain't supposed to be downtown, there's nothing for 'em there. So I went to a Subway sandwich shop, I said "let me have a bun." But she wouldn't sell me just the bun, she said I had to have something on it. She told me it's against regulations for Subway to sell just the bun. I guess the two halves ain't supposed to touch. So I said alright, well put some lettuce on it. They said, "that'll be $1.75." I said "it's for a duck." They said "alright, well then it's free." See, I did not know that. Ducks eat for free at Subway!! Had I known that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich. "Let me have the steak fajita sub. But don't bother ringing it up... it's for a duck! There are 6 ducks out there, and they all want Sun Chips!!"
* I flew over an island that said "S.O.S.", so I landed, because I wanted to clean their pans.
* You know when they show someone on TV, washing their hair under a waterfall? That's fucking bullshit man... cause that thing would knock you on your ass!
* I saw a billboard for a lottery, it said "estimated lotto jackpot 55 million." See, I did not know that shit was estimated. That would suck if you won and they go, "oh, we were off by two zeros. We estimate that you are angry!"
* My girlfriend works at Hooters... in the kitchen.
* Stephen Lynch is funny, he's a hard act to follow. I'm a hard act to follow too, cause when I'm done I take the microphone with me.
* I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something like 222-2222. I would say sweet. People would say "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I would say, "Just press 2 for a while! And when I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough."
* I'm so glad I'm almost done the set, man... because I have a roll of Lifesavers in my pocket, and pineapple is next!
* When you go to a restaurant on the weekends, it's busy, so they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufrene, party of 2. Table ready for Dufrene, party of 2." And if no one answers, they'll say their name again. "Dufrane, party of 2." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of 3." Yeah... what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! You fuckers are selfish. The Dufrenes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry - that's a double whammy. We need help. Bush, SEARCH party of 3! You can eat once you find the Dufrenes.
* My manager was concerned, he said "Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch." I can't use liquor as a crutch... because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely screws up the way I walk. It ain't like a crutch, it's like a step I didn't see.
* I used to live here in Los Angeles... and I had an apartment, and I had a neighbor. And whenever he would knock on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down. And that made me angry, cause I like loud music. So when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say, "go around! I cannot open the wall. I don't know if you have a doorknob on the other side, but over here there's nothing... it's just flat!"
* I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
* I smoke cigars occasionally, I don't know a lot about cigars. Like I'm at the cigar store, the man behind the counter says "what kind of cigars do you like?" "Uhh... Itsaboys."
* I used to have really long hair, and people thought I was high on stage, because people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long-haired guy, they'd say "that fucker eats cake! He is on bundt cake!" Mothers saying to their daughters, "don't bring the cake-eater over here anymore, he smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"
* I had a roommate, his name was Eddie, and Eddie was slow on the mental draw. I was writing a letter, I had a problem... I said, "Ed, how do you abbreviate Arkansas?" He said, "I don't know, just start spelling it, then quit!"
* Like, we had a refrigerator with a hard-boiled egg inside, after a few days the shell started to crack. Eddie's first comment was "man, this guy's a survivor!"
* I can't floss my teeth, man... I can't get into the flossing thing. People who smoke cigarettes, they say "man, you don't know how hard it is to quit smoking." Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing!
* You know when you go to concerts, and the kids get on stage and they jump into the crowd, stage diving? People think that's dangerous, but not me. Because humans are made out of 95% water! So the audience is 5 percent away from a pool.
* I rent a lot of cars, cause I go on the road. And when I drive a rental car, I don't know what's going on with it, right? So a lot of times I'll drive for like 10 miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake.
* I play the guitar, I taught myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision... because I didn't know how to play it, so I was a shitty teacher. I would never have went to me.
* I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store and you stand in front of the lunchmeat section for too long, you start to get pissed off at turkeys. You see, like, turkey ham, turkey pastrami, turkey bologna... somebody needs to tell the turkeys, "man, just be yourself!"
* I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man! I don't know how I get away with it.
"I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread."
"So do I."
"Well let's form a club then."
"Okay, but we need some more stipulations."
"Yes we do. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again."
"Yes, four triangles. And we will position them into a circle. And in the middle we will dump chips."
"Or potato salad."
"Okay. Lemme ask you a question: how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?"
"I'm for 'em!"
"Well this club is formed. Spread the word on menus nationwide!"
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Banzai Harakiri
* I went to a doctor, all he did was suck blood from my neck. Don't go see Dr. Acula.
* I had a Mr. Pibb, Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper... but it's the bullshit replica, cause dude didn't even get his degree.
* One time a guy handed me a picture and said "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger! "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera.
* I'd like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks... it'd be so damn literal! You are using that machine to its exact purpose!
* Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
* I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn, because people honk the car horn too much. 3 honks, that's the limit. And then someone cuts you off, ffffft, you press your horn, nothing happens. You're like, "shit! I wish I wouldn't have seen Ricky on the sidewalk!"
* I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
* I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
* I wanna be a race car passenger - just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide."
* My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "no, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah."
* I walked by a drycleaner at 3am, the sign said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry, it's 3am and you're a drycleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk in at 10am and say "Hey, I walked in at 3am and you guys were closed. Somebody owes me an apology."
* I got a business card, cause I wanna win some lunches. That's what my business card says: "Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner."
* I had a paper route when I was a kid, I was a paper boy. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses... or 2 dumpsters!
* I like the hot tubs at the hotels. I like to go there when there's a guy in there already, I say "hey man, you mind if I join you?" He says no. Then I go and I turn the whirlpool heat up, then I go by and I add some carrots and onions. Then I say "hey man, just simmer for a whil- I mean, sit there."
* I would like to have a product that was available for 3 easy payments and one fuckin' complicated payment. We ain't gonna tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch!
* I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. It's like, "dude, you have to wait."
* I saw a commercial that said, "forget everything you know about slip covers!" So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slip covers, but I didn't know what the hell they were.
* Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way, right? "Prices and participation may vary." I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti! And blankets!
* I was gonna have my teeth whitened, but then I said fuck that, I'll just get a tan instead.
* I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I said, "Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!"
* I bought a house, it's a 2-bedroom house. But I think it's up to me how many bedrooms there are, don't you? Fuck you real estate lady, this bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom's over in that guy's house.
* I like the FedEx driver, because he's a drug dealer, and he don't even know it.
* I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down.
* You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number to be catchy? But often times they use too many letters. "Give us a call down here at 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Carpeting." It's too many letters, man. "Hello?" "Hold on, I'm only on 'Enjoy'! How did you know I was calling?"
* I bought a 7 dollar pen, because I always lose pens, and I got sick of not caring.
* I would imagine if you understood Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy!
* I had a small scene in a movie with Peter Frampton. And we had to smoke pot for our scene - but it was fake pot! Do not buy pot on a movie set. But I got to smoke fake pot with Peter Frampton, that's a cool story. It's as cool as smoking real pot with a guy who looks like Peter Frampton... I've done that way more.
* The thing that's depressing about tennis is, no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once... they're fucking relentless!
* People ask me what words mean... they say, "what does 'composition' mean?" Some people would say, "put it in a sentence." But I need a little more. "Put it in a play."
* If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and someone offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Because inside is a note that says "say thanks."
* Every book is a children's book, if the kid can read!
* My friend said to me "I think the weather's trippy." And I said "No man, it's not the weather that's trippy. Perhaps it is the way that we percieve it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought "man, I should have just said 'yeah'."
* I like escalators, because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You would never see an "escalator temporarily out of order" sign, just "Escalator temporarily stairs... sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."
* When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light... and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
* I was in a hotel room and my friend comes over, he says "can I use the phone?" I said "certainly." He said "do I need to dial 9?" "Yeah... especially if it's in the number. You can try 4 and 5 back to back real quick."
* I wanna get a job naming kitchen appliances, that seems easy. Refrigerator, toaster, blender... you just say what the thing does, then you add "er". Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute... "What does this thing do?" "It keeps shit fresh." "Well then that's a fresher! I'm going on break."
* I did a radio interview with XM radio... they said "you can swear on XM radio." No shit, cause nobody can hear it. You can swear in the woods, too!
* As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes... all exciting at first, but then by the end you're fuckin' sick of em.
* Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. Goddammit Otto, you're an alcoholic! Goddammit Otto, you have lupus! One of those two doesn't sound right.
* I know a lot about cars, I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
* I say the word "totally" way too much. I need to change it and use a word that's different but means the same. "Mitch, do you like submarine sandwiches?" "All-encompassingly!"
* I went to the Home Depot the other day, which was unnecessary... I need to go to the Apartment Depot, which is just a big warehouse with people standing around saying "hey, we ain't gotta fix shit!"
* I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
* I like refried beans, that's why I wanna try fried beans. Cause maybe they're just as good, and we're wasting time. You don't have to fry them again, after all!
* I hate dreaming, because when you wanna sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, you know? Like there I am, laying in my comfortable bed in my hotel room... next thing I know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
* I drank some boiling water, because I wanted to whistle.
* On a traffic light, green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana, it's just the opposite. Green means hold on. Yellow means go ahead. And red means, where the fuck did you get that banana at?
* My apartment is infested with koala bears... it's the cutest infestation ever! Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want 'em to, you know?
* I don't have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it. So I would buy a baby naming book... or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on!
* I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographers' fault! Bigfoot is blurry... and that's extra scary to me. Cause there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.
* I opened up a yogurt, and underneath the lid it said "please try again", because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. "Come on Mitchell, don't give up... please try again." A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.
* I miss the $2... I could break a $2.
* My sister wanted to be an actress... she never made it, but she does live in a trailer. She got half-way. It's like she's an actress, she's just never called to the set.
* Sometimes I wave to people I don't know... very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky! Look what I got, motherfucker... this thing is useful! I'm gonna go pick something up!
* Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus? Or just a really cool opotamus?
* I did a radio interview, the DJ's first question was "who are you?" I had to think: is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?
* I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet, because Pizza Hut will accept all competitors' coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. "Mitch's Pizzaria... this week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free."
* Last time I called shotgun, we had rented a limo... so I fucked up.
* Foosball fucked up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball, and then spin around and round. I can't do a backflip, much less several... simultaneously with two other guys... that look just like me.
* I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on 'em. Hell yeah! Reminds me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque, and throw down on some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on... "you better flip that Frito dad, you know how I like it."
* You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just gonna ask where they're going, and hook up with them later.
* Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit! You would not want to submerge your head... nothing but fish going "Ahhhh, fuck! I thought I looked like that rock!"
* The club owner here hooks me up with drugs, like cocaine or pot brownies. But last time I was in town he gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted. But I'm not, so what happened to me was I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would be telling me a story, then the story would end and I'd get all mad and shit. "Come on man, there's gotta be more to that story!"
* I wake up in the morning, I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, then I don't do shit for an hour. Which makes me wonder why I need the instant oatmeal! I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.
* I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument. Cause then I tried to walk out, and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zip it up really quick?
* I mumble a lot off stage, I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend, and I say something, he won't hear me, he'll say "what?" So I'll say it again, but once again he doesn't hear me, so he says "what?" But really it's just some insignificant shit that I'm saying... but now I'm yelling, "That tree is far away!"
* I did comedy for a fundraiser once, we were trying to raise money to buy one of those machines that shows how much money has been raised.
* I've had the AIDS test four times. And that shit is scary, doesn't matter what you've been doing. So I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore, I get the roundabout AIDS test. I call up my friend Brian and say "Brian, do you know anyone that has AIDS? No? Cool... cause you know me."
* I get the Reese's candy bar... if you read that name, Reese's, that's an "apostrophe s" on the end of that name. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar and a guy named Reese comes buy and says "let me have that", you better hand it over. "I'm sorry Reese, I didn't think I'd ever run into you. You're a fuckin' bully, man!"
* The Kit-Kat candy bar has the name "Kit-Kat" imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique. I'll go down to the factory... "you owe me some letters!"
* As a comedian, I always get into situations where I'm auditioning for movies and sitcoms, you know? As a comedian, they want you to do other things besides comedy. They say "alright you're a comedian, can you write? Write us a script. Act in this sitcom." They want me to do shit that's related to comedy, but it's not comedy, man. It's not fair, you know? It's as though if I was a cook, and I worked my ass off to become a really good cook, and they said "alright you're a cook... can you farm?"
* This one guy said "look at that girl's butt! She has a nice butt." I said "yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently."
* 2 in 1 shampoo... 2 in 1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created. If it was 2 in 1, it would be overflowing... the bottle would be all sticky and shit.
* I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut, man, I'll just give you the money then you give me the doughnut! End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend... don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut! I got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it's at home... in the file... under 'D'.
* I called the hotel operator, she said "how can I direct your call?" Well, you could say "action!" And I will begin to dial. And then when I say goodbye, you could yell "cut!"
* When we were on acid, we would go into the woods... cause when you're in the woods tripping, there's less likely a chance you'll run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. That was even more of a buzzkill. My friend Dwayne was standing there raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. We got away from the bear, he put his arm around my shoulder, he said "Mitchell... Smokey is way more intense in person!"
* I had the cab driver drive me here backwards... the fucker owed me $27.50!
* I bought a scratch-off ticket, but then I accidentally spilled some cortizone cream on it, so it did not need to be scratched.
* I played in a death metal band. People either loved us or they hated us... or they thought we were okay. A lot of death metal bands have intense names, like "Rigormortis" or "Mortuary" or "Obituary". We weren't that intense, we just went with "Injured". Later on we changed it to "A Capella"... as we were walking out of the pawn shop.
* I'm an ice sculptor... last night I made a cube.
* I was in downtown Boise Idaho and I saw a duck. And I knew the duck was lost, cause ducks ain't supposed to be downtown, there's nothing for 'em there. So I went to a Subway sandwich shop, I said "let me have a bun." But she wouldn't sell me just the bun, she said I had to have something on it. She told me it's against regulations for Subway to sell just the bun. I guess the two halves ain't supposed to touch. So I said alright, well put some lettuce on it. They said, "that'll be $1.75." I said "it's for a duck." They said "alright, well then it's free." See, I did not know that. Ducks eat for free at Subway!! Had I known that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich. "Let me have the steak fajita sub. But don't bother ringing it up... it's for a duck! There are 6 ducks out there, and they all want Sun Chips!!"
* I flew over an island that said "S.O.S.", so I landed, because I wanted to clean their pans.
* You know when they show someone on TV, washing their hair under a waterfall? That's fucking bullshit man... cause that thing would knock you on your ass!
* I saw a billboard for a lottery, it said "estimated lotto jackpot 55 million." See, I did not know that shit was estimated. That would suck if you won and they go, "oh, we were off by two zeros. We estimate that you are angry!"
* My girlfriend works at Hooters... in the kitchen.
* Stephen Lynch is funny, he's a hard act to follow. I'm a hard act to follow too, cause when I'm done I take the microphone with me.
* I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something like 222-2222. I would say sweet. People would say "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I would say, "Just press 2 for a while! And when I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough."
* I'm so glad I'm almost done the set, man... because I have a roll of Lifesavers in my pocket, and pineapple is next!
* When you go to a restaurant on the weekends, it's busy, so they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufrene, party of 2. Table ready for Dufrene, party of 2." And if no one answers, they'll say their name again. "Dufrane, party of 2." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of 3." Yeah... what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! You fuckers are selfish. The Dufrenes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry - that's a double whammy. We need help. Bush, SEARCH party of 3! You can eat once you find the Dufrenes.
* My manager was concerned, he said "Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch." I can't use liquor as a crutch... because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely screws up the way I walk. It ain't like a crutch, it's like a step I didn't see.
* I used to live here in Los Angeles... and I had an apartment, and I had a neighbor. And whenever he would knock on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down. And that made me angry, cause I like loud music. So when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say, "go around! I cannot open the wall. I don't know if you have a doorknob on the other side, but over here there's nothing... it's just flat!"
* I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
* I smoke cigars occasionally, I don't know a lot about cigars. Like I'm at the cigar store, the man behind the counter says "what kind of cigars do you like?" "Uhh... Itsaboys."
* I used to have really long hair, and people thought I was high on stage, because people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long-haired guy, they'd say "that fucker eats cake! He is on bundt cake!" Mothers saying to their daughters, "don't bring the cake-eater over here anymore, he smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"
* I had a roommate, his name was Eddie, and Eddie was slow on the mental draw. I was writing a letter, I had a problem... I said, "Ed, how do you abbreviate Arkansas?" He said, "I don't know, just start spelling it, then quit!"
* Like, we had a refrigerator with a hard-boiled egg inside, after a few days the shell started to crack. Eddie's first comment was "man, this guy's a survivor!"
* I can't floss my teeth, man... I can't get into the flossing thing. People who smoke cigarettes, they say "man, you don't know how hard it is to quit smoking." Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing!
* You know when you go to concerts, and the kids get on stage and they jump into the crowd, stage diving? People think that's dangerous, but not me. Because humans are made out of 95% water! So the audience is 5 percent away from a pool.
* I rent a lot of cars, cause I go on the road. And when I drive a rental car, I don't know what's going on with it, right? So a lot of times I'll drive for like 10 miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake.
* I play the guitar, I taught myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision... because I didn't know how to play it, so I was a shitty teacher. I would never have went to me.
* I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store and you stand in front of the lunchmeat section for too long, you start to get pissed off at turkeys. You see, like, turkey ham, turkey pastrami, turkey bologna... somebody needs to tell the turkeys, "man, just be yourself!"
* I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man! I don't know how I get away with it.
"I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread."
"So do I."
"Well let's form a club then."
"Okay, but we need some more stipulations."
"Yes we do. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again."
"Yes, four triangles. And we will position them into a circle. And in the middle we will dump chips."
"Or potato salad."
"Okay. Lemme ask you a question: how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?"
"I'm for 'em!"
"Well this club is formed. Spread the word on menus nationwide!"
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Banzai Harakiri
tirsdag 14. oktober 2008
mandag 13. oktober 2008
fredag 10. oktober 2008
Funny in Flight Announcements
1. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
2. "Last one off the plane must clean it."
3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"
5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
6. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
7. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."
8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
9. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane."
10. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."
12. This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
13. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"
15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
16. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
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Banzai Harakiri
2. "Last one off the plane must clean it."
3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"
5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
6. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
7. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."
8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
9. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane."
10. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."
12. This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
13. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"
15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
16. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming."
Alan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with."
Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then."
Camille, age 10
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married."
Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."
Eddie, age 6
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids."
Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
"Both don't want no more kids."
Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough."
Lynnette, age 8
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
Martine, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
"When they're rich."
Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that."
Curt, age 7
"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do."
Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out."
Theodore, age 8
"It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them."
Anita, age 9
"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing."
Kirsten, age 10
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T
GET MARRIED?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"
Kevin, age 8
"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now."
Roberta, age 7
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes, especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on it."
Lori, age 8
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck."
Ricky, age 10
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Banzai Harakiri
Alan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with."
Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then."
Camille, age 10
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married."
Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."
Eddie, age 6
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids."
Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
"Both don't want no more kids."
Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough."
Lynnette, age 8
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
Martine, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
"When they're rich."
Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that."
Curt, age 7
"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do."
Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out."
Theodore, age 8
"It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them."
Anita, age 9
"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing."
Kirsten, age 10
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T
GET MARRIED?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"
Kevin, age 8
"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now."
Roberta, age 7
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes, especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on it."
Lori, age 8
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck."
Ricky, age 10
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Panda - II
Hehe, somebody has mod'ed the original to create this piece :-)
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Banzai Harakiri
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Banzai Harakiri
torsdag 9. oktober 2008
Running with the rabbit... (joke)
A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.
The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You''ll feel so much better!"
The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke.
So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you''ll see, you''ll feel so good!"
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up.
"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you''ll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit.
The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you."
The lion answers, "That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like a f**king idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"
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Banzai Harakiri
The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You''ll feel so much better!"
The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke.
So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you''ll see, you''ll feel so good!"
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up.
"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you''ll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit.
The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you."
The lion answers, "That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like a f**king idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"
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Banzai Harakiri
Italian confession... (joke)
An elderly Italian man who lived in the outskirts of Monte Cassino went to the local church for confession.
He said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son and you have no need to confess that."
"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."
The priest said: "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people together under those circumstances are greatly tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."
"Thank you Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?" said the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
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Banzai Harakiri
He said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son and you have no need to confess that."
"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."
The priest said: "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people together under those circumstances are greatly tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."
"Thank you Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?" said the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
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Banzai Harakiri
Ministry...
...of Silly Walks.
This picture (and the scetch itself) is one of the best there is.
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Banzai Harakiri
This picture (and the scetch itself) is one of the best there is.
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Banzai Harakiri
tirsdag 7. oktober 2008
onsdag 1. oktober 2008
The Tea Party (true story)
When I was a toddler, someone had given me a little Tea Set as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of "tea" which was just water, of course.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!"
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.
She watches him drink it up and then says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a toddler can reach to get water is the toilet?"
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Banzai Harakiri
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of "tea" which was just water, of course.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!"
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.
She watches him drink it up and then says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a toddler can reach to get water is the toilet?"
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Banzai Harakiri
The Brilliance of Military Warnings
"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies
"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." - U.S. Ammo Troop
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Banzai Harakiri
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies
"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." - U.S. Ammo Troop
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Banzai Harakiri
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