This is a lot to read, but make the effort and check this site out...
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
tirsdag 29. april 2008
mandag 28. april 2008
Dog Almighty
This is a great song with a great singer, but he
doesnt sing in the band anymore.
Smart move dudes...
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
doesnt sing in the band anymore.
Smart move dudes...
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
søndag 27. april 2008
Children & Proverbs
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.
Better to be safe than....................Punch a 5th grader
Strike while the .........................Bug is close
It's always darkest before............... Daylight Savings Time
Never underestimate the power of..........Termites
You can lead a horse to water but........how?
Don't bite the hand that................. looks dirty
No news is................................impossible
A miss is as good as a...................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new............math
If you lie down with dogs, you'll.........stink in the morning
Love all, trust..........................me
The pen is mightier than the..............pigs
An idle mind is..........................The best way to relax
Where there's smoke there's...............pollution
Happy the bride who.......................gets all the presents
A penny saved is..........................not much
Two's company, three's....................the Musketeers
Don't put off till tomorrow what..........you put on to go to bed
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.......you have to blow your nose.
None are so blind as......................Stevie Wonder
Children should be seen and not...........spanked or grounded
If at first you don't succeed.............get new batteries
You get out of something what you.........see pictured on the box
When the blind leadeth the blind..........get out of the way
And the favorite:
Better late than.........................pregnant.
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Better to be safe than....................Punch a 5th grader
Strike while the .........................Bug is close
It's always darkest before............... Daylight Savings Time
Never underestimate the power of..........Termites
You can lead a horse to water but........how?
Don't bite the hand that................. looks dirty
No news is................................impossible
A miss is as good as a...................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new............math
If you lie down with dogs, you'll.........stink in the morning
Love all, trust..........................me
The pen is mightier than the..............pigs
An idle mind is..........................The best way to relax
Where there's smoke there's...............pollution
Happy the bride who.......................gets all the presents
A penny saved is..........................not much
Two's company, three's....................the Musketeers
Don't put off till tomorrow what..........you put on to go to bed
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.......you have to blow your nose.
None are so blind as......................Stevie Wonder
Children should be seen and not...........spanked or grounded
If at first you don't succeed.............get new batteries
You get out of something what you.........see pictured on the box
When the blind leadeth the blind..........get out of the way
And the favorite:
Better late than.........................pregnant.
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Tech support - Its a blast!
This Is What Hell Is Like
Tech Support | USA
-------------------------------
(I had this conversation recently with a lady who swore she had been using computers since forever.)
Tech Support: “All right. Now click ‘OK’.”
Customer: “Click ‘OK’?”
Tech Support: “Yes, click ‘OK’.”
Customer: “Click ‘OK’?”
Tech Support: “That’s right. Click ‘OK’.”
Customer: “So I click ‘OK’, right?”
Tech Support: “Right. Click ‘OK’.”
(Pause.)
Customer: “I clicked ‘Cancel’.”
Tech Support: “YOU CLICKED ‘CANCEL’???”
Customer: “That’s what I was supposed to do, right?”
Tech Support: “No, you were supposed to click ‘OK’.”
Customer: “I thought you said to click ‘Cancel’.”
Tech Support: “NO. I said to click ‘OK’.”
Customer: “Oh.”
Tech Support: “Now we have to start over.”
Customer: “Why?”
Tech Support: “Because you clicked ‘Cancel’.”
Customer: “Wasn’t I supposed to click ‘Cancel’?”
Tech Support: “No. Forget that. Let’s start from the top.”
Customer: “Ok.”
(I spend the next fifteen minutes re-constructing the carefully crafted setup for this lady’s unique computer.)
Tech Support: “All right. Now, are you ready to click ‘OK’?”
Customer: “Yes.”
Tech Support: “Great. Now click ‘OK’.”
(Pause.)
Customer: “I clicked ‘Cancel’.”
(And people wonder why my mouse pad has a target on it labeled “BANG HEAD HERE.”)
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Tech Support | USA
-------------------------------
(I had this conversation recently with a lady who swore she had been using computers since forever.)
Tech Support: “All right. Now click ‘OK’.”
Customer: “Click ‘OK’?”
Tech Support: “Yes, click ‘OK’.”
Customer: “Click ‘OK’?”
Tech Support: “That’s right. Click ‘OK’.”
Customer: “So I click ‘OK’, right?”
Tech Support: “Right. Click ‘OK’.”
(Pause.)
Customer: “I clicked ‘Cancel’.”
Tech Support: “YOU CLICKED ‘CANCEL’???”
Customer: “That’s what I was supposed to do, right?”
Tech Support: “No, you were supposed to click ‘OK’.”
Customer: “I thought you said to click ‘Cancel’.”
Tech Support: “NO. I said to click ‘OK’.”
Customer: “Oh.”
Tech Support: “Now we have to start over.”
Customer: “Why?”
Tech Support: “Because you clicked ‘Cancel’.”
Customer: “Wasn’t I supposed to click ‘Cancel’?”
Tech Support: “No. Forget that. Let’s start from the top.”
Customer: “Ok.”
(I spend the next fifteen minutes re-constructing the carefully crafted setup for this lady’s unique computer.)
Tech Support: “All right. Now, are you ready to click ‘OK’?”
Customer: “Yes.”
Tech Support: “Great. Now click ‘OK’.”
(Pause.)
Customer: “I clicked ‘Cancel’.”
(And people wonder why my mouse pad has a target on it labeled “BANG HEAD HERE.”)
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Baking...
Do you know how to bake? You know, making a cake good enough to actually eat?
All in for decoration? Well, if you thought that you know how... take a look
at these pictures and I guess you will
reconsider....
(Thanks a lot to Vrod for finding the link!)
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
All in for decoration? Well, if you thought that you know how... take a look
at these pictures and I guess you will
reconsider....
(Thanks a lot to Vrod for finding the link!)
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Carlsberg + Mentos....
This is so true!
Thanks a lot to DrErik for finding this gem.
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Thanks a lot to DrErik for finding this gem.
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
torsdag 24. april 2008
Watch what you say
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and says hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."
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Banzai Harakiri
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Nice bike...
This kid must love motorcycles...
(Click the picture for larger version)
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Banzai Harakiri
(Click the picture for larger version)
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
The Airplane Ride (joke)
Bill and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year and every year Bill would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane."
Martha always replied, "I know Bill, but that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars."
One year Bill and Martha went to the fair and Bill said, "Martha, I'm 81 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance."
Martha replied, "Bill, that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's 10 dollars."
Bill and Martha agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Bill replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but 10 dollars is 10 dollars."
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Martha always replied, "I know Bill, but that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars."
One year Bill and Martha went to the fair and Bill said, "Martha, I'm 81 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance."
Martha replied, "Bill, that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's 10 dollars."
Bill and Martha agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Bill replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but 10 dollars is 10 dollars."
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
How I Ruined My Neighbor's Christmas, New Years, and Birthdays for Years to Come...
(Submitted by icarus1987)
Things haven't been the same in my neighborhood since I bought my X-Box 360.
It might have something to do with that deadly-cold December night my neighbor's wife kicked him out and his three sons out of the house. His youngest, assuming some sort of unspoken bond had figured when I handed him and extra fiver after raking my leaves in the fall, told his father he was sure we'd take him in. Neighbor Gus arrived, youngest in tow and begged me, as an aquaintance, as a neighbor, as the guy who refused to pay him one grand for taking a few dead oaks out of my yard, if I'd please take his son in just until he got back on to his feet. When we not only refused, but said we'd rather spend our spare time and money on an X-Box 360 rather than a child, he wasn't amused.
When we not only purchased the 360, but put it in the bay window, atop a plaster pedastal wrapped in christmas lights, the neighbors weren't either. Neighbor Gus won't speak to me. Neighboor Shirtless Dan was so disgusted he won't let his troglodyte brood play within sight of the Xbox. It's been nearly a month now, and I haven't had to tolerate a single redneck stopping by to discuss Nascar or Toby Keith. In short, it's been the best turn of events to come about since we bought this house in June. That was all until we were burgled.
Well, sort of.
It was early morning the Friday before Christmas, and Gus's oldest son Davis watched our car pull out of the driveway. He had his revenge all charted out out. He must have been watching our routine for the pask weeks, and knew we carpooled to work in the morning. Having spoken to his youngest brother, he also knew about the broken latch on our rear garage window. Knowing I was crazy about the security cameras, he even wore a ski-mask. Five minutes was all it would take him to crawl in through the window, load a few power tools into his backpack, and make off before the police showed up. What he didn't know was that I had the day off.
It was about ten AM when Cindy Lauper blared from my den computer speakers. Something had been caught on the garage cam. Now as I was taking a late breakfast, and mice had a habit of setting the camera off by crawling over the lens, I wasn't that concerned. When it went off the second time, I finally got in and jostled the mouse. The screen sprang to life, and in the center of a red halo was a green-tinted view of my garage. Three alarms, the counter warned, and I could see why. Someone was shuffling around by the workbench. At first I thought it might have been Belinda, but it only took me a second to notice that it was a bit taller and stockier. And wearing a black ski mask. By the fetal alcohol gait and the mohawk bulging under the cap, I knew it had to be Gus's oldest.
This was perfect.
I grabbed my coat down on my way down to the landing, where I locked and deadbolted the door. I pressed my ear to the door and knew I was good; I could still hear the idiot kid rustling in a drawer. The little fucker was oblivious. I dug into my coat pocket and pressed the kiddy-safe lock thing on the garage door opener. Best two hundred dollars the previous owner ever spent. Now the could only come out the way he came in - and that would be easy to take care of.
I slipped on my hiking boots, grabbed my cell phone and laptop, and slipped out the back door; careful to slide it shut without slamming it. I took my time, dusting a wooden chair from my patio set free of snow. Through the open window, I could hear screws falling as he dug around for tools. Chair and laptop pack in tow, I climbed down the deck stairs and walked down into the pond garden. The snow was the perfect depth to mask my footsteps. I paused to listen under the garage window, and could hear him loading stuff into his backpack. Perfect. I grabbed a landscaping timber from under the deck and propped it up against the window - one of the type that swings outward. What followed would be perfect fodder for one of those "America's Stupid Criminals" shows. I've obviously edited out the part where they ask my name and address.
9-11 Operator: 9-11 emergency
Me: Uh, yeah, I just caught some idiot neighbor kid trying to steal stuff in my garage.
Operator: Is he still on the premises, Sir?
Me: Yeah, he is.
Operator: Alright, and are you in a safe place?
Me: As safe as can be, I guess. I've locked all the doors and windows. He's stuck in the garage until the police arrive.
Operator: Alright. I want you to know that no matter how much he's in the wrong, it would be unlawful to hurt the child.
[Kid trying to push window open]
Me: That's why I called you instead of shooting him or selling him off to the Malaysian sex trade.
Operator: We do appreciate that, Sir. A sherrif's officer is on the way. Do you want me to stay on the line?
[Kid trying to hit the window frame with something]
Me: No, that's not really necessary. I think he wants to talk.
Operator: Okay, but remember that it's very importabt you not let things get out of control. Wait until the sherrif's officer shows up.
Me: I understand. Have a merry christmas.
Operator: You too, Sir.
I set the laptop down on the wooden chair and logged into the wireless network. There was the kid, banging against the windowframe with a dry piece of firewood. I switched on the intercom.
"Hey, kid." I spoke into the D800's mic.
He dropped the log and looked up. His eyes looked like silver rings under the night vision lamps. He ran over to the garage door opener and rattled it like an elevator call button. No results. His chest heaved twice, then he threw himself against the door, banging on it.
"MUTHAFUCKALEMMEOUT!" Was the closest I can come to transcribing what came out of his mouth.
"Relax, you moron." I said. "That's an aluminum fire door. You're not getting out of there."
First came anger. For five solid minutes, the boy leveled every threat his troglodyte imagination could conjure up - most involving his foot and my ass. He threw gardening tools, jars of bolts, even a tape measure against the door. When I stopped talking to him, the bargaining phase set in.
"I'm leaving the tools." He said in his nasal, breathy voice, laying the pack down like it had a bomb. "Okay? You can see me putting them down. You can even keep the bag. And I'll pay for the stuff I just broke. I'll clean your garage, and I'll do your driveway, just please Jesus let me out!"
"The police are already on their way." I said, "and I wouldn't want to miss this opportunity to make your family's Christmas even worse."
"Jesus, dude, what can I do?" He asked. "Just tell me what to do."
"Take off the mask for starters." I said. He did, and his fat, oily face popped out, mohawk bent to the side like cattails bent in a storm.
"Good. Now dry-hump the snowblower."
"What??"
"You heard me. Make sweet beautiful love to the snowblower. Just leave your parka and shit on. Nobody wants to see that."
He shuffled slowly over to my Toro snowblower.
"Hurry it up, tubby." I said.
He grabbed the throttle and rammed the crotch of his snowmobile suit into the cold steel.
"You're never going to get a girlfriend that way," I said. "You have to be gentle. Carress the snowblower. Kiss its shiny auger control."
"If I do this, you'll let me go?"
"No." I confessed. "I just want something to put on next year's Christmas card."
He looked up. "Then what are you going to do to me?"
"Relax, shithead. I'm not some Michael Jackson freak. Cops are on the way."
He fell down on his knees. "No, dude, Jesus Christ, please no! My dad'll kill me! The sherrif's officer here, he hates me! Dad'll take away my snowmobile! They said I go to a foster home next time!"
"Good," I said, "if you're looking for Michael Jackson types, I've heard foster homes are a great way to go!"
"Dude, PLEASE! I'm sorry we bother you so much, but I think it's cause my dad is jealous!"
"Jealous, huh?"
"Yeah, you know, you've gone to college and have a good job, and he's just a construction worker. He don't even have a job since he got his last DWI! The house we're in is ten times worse than your house, and it's the best he can do."
Through the fence, I saw a sherrif's car round the corner. "Keep talking," I said.
"C'mon dude, it's Christmas. This whole fight is stupid! If you let the cops get me, then this thing between you an my dad just goes on, right? If I go back, you're cool in his eyes. Maybe he tries to be more like you, stops drinking, gets a tech degree. My life could be so much better, and that's the best Christmas gift I could ask for."
I could hear a car idling out front.
"Come on dude," he said, "it's Christmas."
"Alright." I said, fumbling in my pocket, "I'm going to open the garage door."
"Thank you!" He said. His tears looked like drops of solder in the green light. "Dude, thank you!"
I heard a car door slam. "Take the bag, " I said, "Get yourself an X-Box 360 of your own."
He didn't think to question it as the garage door swung open. He just grabbed his bags and dashed out. Right into the open arms of a sherrif's deputy, who had his kneecap between the kid's shoulderblades by the time I walked around.
"He must have figured out how to take the lock off." I said.
"This is a tricky little bastard." The deputy, not two years older than me, said. "He's even trying to tell me you told him to take the tools."
"He did!" Davis cried, "you two-faced motherfucker!"
"What a crock." I said.
"I'll say," the deputy said, slipping cuffs on him like it was instinct. "I hope you want to press charges."
"Of course." I said.
The Deputy smiled. "Glad to hear it. The little fucker usually spins a real yarn, tries to pluck at your heart strings by sayin' he's just a kid. Most people let him go. He's almost as bad as his old man-"
"Wait!" Gus said, dashing across the street in a hunting jacket and boxer shorts. "Jesus, what are ya doing?? Pete, let him go."
"I can't do that, Sir." The Deputy said. "We talked about this before. I've warned you. This is serious this time."
"But man," he said, "I gave you a serious break on your gutters."
"And I appreciate that." Davis said, "but your son broke into your neighbor's garage and stole a number of his tools, putting them in his backpack on the ground there. Then he tried to run, which is evading arrest."
Gus laughed. "Pete, he wasn't STEALIN'. It's just a misunderstanding. Damien here SAID he could take 'em. 'N fact, he borrowed 'em from me." He gave me a knowing wink.
"No I didn't." I said. "I have all the reciepts if you want to see them."
"Don't think that will be necessary." The Deputy said, helping Davis into the back seat.
"C'mon," Gus said, holding on to the door. "It's all good. We're a neighborhood here an' boys will be boys, you know. No harm no foul. Damien's a good man, he isn't pressing charges."
"Yes I am." I said. "How else is he going to learn?"
"I'll teach him." Gus said. "He's my responsibility."
"You don't seem to have done too well so far."
"What are you saying?" Gus asked, stepping closer and puffing out his chest.
"The father can't keep a job because he likes to drive drunk, and the kid's being double-charged two days before Christmas. You need me to get you an English to redneck dictionary?" I dodged the swing, and the officer was on top of him. In five minutes, two more squad cars were in my driveway, Chuck's wife and other kids were in tears, and it looks like, after I testify against just under half his family, he'll lose his kids and his home.
I hope Gus and his family have a great holiday season from their respective holding cell/juvenile detention center/welfare line. Without their snowmobiles and four-wheelers donutting up and down the block, I know I will.
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Things haven't been the same in my neighborhood since I bought my X-Box 360.
It might have something to do with that deadly-cold December night my neighbor's wife kicked him out and his three sons out of the house. His youngest, assuming some sort of unspoken bond had figured when I handed him and extra fiver after raking my leaves in the fall, told his father he was sure we'd take him in. Neighbor Gus arrived, youngest in tow and begged me, as an aquaintance, as a neighbor, as the guy who refused to pay him one grand for taking a few dead oaks out of my yard, if I'd please take his son in just until he got back on to his feet. When we not only refused, but said we'd rather spend our spare time and money on an X-Box 360 rather than a child, he wasn't amused.
When we not only purchased the 360, but put it in the bay window, atop a plaster pedastal wrapped in christmas lights, the neighbors weren't either. Neighbor Gus won't speak to me. Neighboor Shirtless Dan was so disgusted he won't let his troglodyte brood play within sight of the Xbox. It's been nearly a month now, and I haven't had to tolerate a single redneck stopping by to discuss Nascar or Toby Keith. In short, it's been the best turn of events to come about since we bought this house in June. That was all until we were burgled.
Well, sort of.
It was early morning the Friday before Christmas, and Gus's oldest son Davis watched our car pull out of the driveway. He had his revenge all charted out out. He must have been watching our routine for the pask weeks, and knew we carpooled to work in the morning. Having spoken to his youngest brother, he also knew about the broken latch on our rear garage window. Knowing I was crazy about the security cameras, he even wore a ski-mask. Five minutes was all it would take him to crawl in through the window, load a few power tools into his backpack, and make off before the police showed up. What he didn't know was that I had the day off.
It was about ten AM when Cindy Lauper blared from my den computer speakers. Something had been caught on the garage cam. Now as I was taking a late breakfast, and mice had a habit of setting the camera off by crawling over the lens, I wasn't that concerned. When it went off the second time, I finally got in and jostled the mouse. The screen sprang to life, and in the center of a red halo was a green-tinted view of my garage. Three alarms, the counter warned, and I could see why. Someone was shuffling around by the workbench. At first I thought it might have been Belinda, but it only took me a second to notice that it was a bit taller and stockier. And wearing a black ski mask. By the fetal alcohol gait and the mohawk bulging under the cap, I knew it had to be Gus's oldest.
This was perfect.
I grabbed my coat down on my way down to the landing, where I locked and deadbolted the door. I pressed my ear to the door and knew I was good; I could still hear the idiot kid rustling in a drawer. The little fucker was oblivious. I dug into my coat pocket and pressed the kiddy-safe lock thing on the garage door opener. Best two hundred dollars the previous owner ever spent. Now the could only come out the way he came in - and that would be easy to take care of.
I slipped on my hiking boots, grabbed my cell phone and laptop, and slipped out the back door; careful to slide it shut without slamming it. I took my time, dusting a wooden chair from my patio set free of snow. Through the open window, I could hear screws falling as he dug around for tools. Chair and laptop pack in tow, I climbed down the deck stairs and walked down into the pond garden. The snow was the perfect depth to mask my footsteps. I paused to listen under the garage window, and could hear him loading stuff into his backpack. Perfect. I grabbed a landscaping timber from under the deck and propped it up against the window - one of the type that swings outward. What followed would be perfect fodder for one of those "America's Stupid Criminals" shows. I've obviously edited out the part where they ask my name and address.
9-11 Operator: 9-11 emergency
Me: Uh, yeah, I just caught some idiot neighbor kid trying to steal stuff in my garage.
Operator: Is he still on the premises, Sir?
Me: Yeah, he is.
Operator: Alright, and are you in a safe place?
Me: As safe as can be, I guess. I've locked all the doors and windows. He's stuck in the garage until the police arrive.
Operator: Alright. I want you to know that no matter how much he's in the wrong, it would be unlawful to hurt the child.
Me: That's why I called you instead of shooting him or selling him off to the Malaysian sex trade.
Operator: We do appreciate that, Sir. A sherrif's officer is on the way. Do you want me to stay on the line?
Me: No, that's not really necessary. I think he wants to talk.
Operator: Okay, but remember that it's very importabt you not let things get out of control. Wait until the sherrif's officer shows up.
Me: I understand. Have a merry christmas.
Operator: You too, Sir.
I set the laptop down on the wooden chair and logged into the wireless network. There was the kid, banging against the windowframe with a dry piece of firewood. I switched on the intercom.
"Hey, kid." I spoke into the D800's mic.
He dropped the log and looked up. His eyes looked like silver rings under the night vision lamps. He ran over to the garage door opener and rattled it like an elevator call button. No results. His chest heaved twice, then he threw himself against the door, banging on it.
"MUTHAFUCKALEMMEOUT!" Was the closest I can come to transcribing what came out of his mouth.
"Relax, you moron." I said. "That's an aluminum fire door. You're not getting out of there."
First came anger. For five solid minutes, the boy leveled every threat his troglodyte imagination could conjure up - most involving his foot and my ass. He threw gardening tools, jars of bolts, even a tape measure against the door. When I stopped talking to him, the bargaining phase set in.
"I'm leaving the tools." He said in his nasal, breathy voice, laying the pack down like it had a bomb. "Okay? You can see me putting them down. You can even keep the bag. And I'll pay for the stuff I just broke. I'll clean your garage, and I'll do your driveway, just please Jesus let me out!"
"The police are already on their way." I said, "and I wouldn't want to miss this opportunity to make your family's Christmas even worse."
"Jesus, dude, what can I do?" He asked. "Just tell me what to do."
"Take off the mask for starters." I said. He did, and his fat, oily face popped out, mohawk bent to the side like cattails bent in a storm.
"Good. Now dry-hump the snowblower."
"What??"
"You heard me. Make sweet beautiful love to the snowblower. Just leave your parka and shit on. Nobody wants to see that."
He shuffled slowly over to my Toro snowblower.
"Hurry it up, tubby." I said.
He grabbed the throttle and rammed the crotch of his snowmobile suit into the cold steel.
"You're never going to get a girlfriend that way," I said. "You have to be gentle. Carress the snowblower. Kiss its shiny auger control."
"If I do this, you'll let me go?"
"No." I confessed. "I just want something to put on next year's Christmas card."
He looked up. "Then what are you going to do to me?"
"Relax, shithead. I'm not some Michael Jackson freak. Cops are on the way."
He fell down on his knees. "No, dude, Jesus Christ, please no! My dad'll kill me! The sherrif's officer here, he hates me! Dad'll take away my snowmobile! They said I go to a foster home next time!"
"Good," I said, "if you're looking for Michael Jackson types, I've heard foster homes are a great way to go!"
"Dude, PLEASE! I'm sorry we bother you so much, but I think it's cause my dad is jealous!"
"Jealous, huh?"
"Yeah, you know, you've gone to college and have a good job, and he's just a construction worker. He don't even have a job since he got his last DWI! The house we're in is ten times worse than your house, and it's the best he can do."
Through the fence, I saw a sherrif's car round the corner. "Keep talking," I said.
"C'mon dude, it's Christmas. This whole fight is stupid! If you let the cops get me, then this thing between you an my dad just goes on, right? If I go back, you're cool in his eyes. Maybe he tries to be more like you, stops drinking, gets a tech degree. My life could be so much better, and that's the best Christmas gift I could ask for."
I could hear a car idling out front.
"Come on dude," he said, "it's Christmas."
"Alright." I said, fumbling in my pocket, "I'm going to open the garage door."
"Thank you!" He said. His tears looked like drops of solder in the green light. "Dude, thank you!"
I heard a car door slam. "Take the bag, " I said, "Get yourself an X-Box 360 of your own."
He didn't think to question it as the garage door swung open. He just grabbed his bags and dashed out. Right into the open arms of a sherrif's deputy, who had his kneecap between the kid's shoulderblades by the time I walked around.
"He must have figured out how to take the lock off." I said.
"This is a tricky little bastard." The deputy, not two years older than me, said. "He's even trying to tell me you told him to take the tools."
"He did!" Davis cried, "you two-faced motherfucker!"
"What a crock." I said.
"I'll say," the deputy said, slipping cuffs on him like it was instinct. "I hope you want to press charges."
"Of course." I said.
The Deputy smiled. "Glad to hear it. The little fucker usually spins a real yarn, tries to pluck at your heart strings by sayin' he's just a kid. Most people let him go. He's almost as bad as his old man-"
"Wait!" Gus said, dashing across the street in a hunting jacket and boxer shorts. "Jesus, what are ya doing?? Pete, let him go."
"I can't do that, Sir." The Deputy said. "We talked about this before. I've warned you. This is serious this time."
"But man," he said, "I gave you a serious break on your gutters."
"And I appreciate that." Davis said, "but your son broke into your neighbor's garage and stole a number of his tools, putting them in his backpack on the ground there. Then he tried to run, which is evading arrest."
Gus laughed. "Pete, he wasn't STEALIN'. It's just a misunderstanding. Damien here SAID he could take 'em. 'N fact, he borrowed 'em from me." He gave me a knowing wink.
"No I didn't." I said. "I have all the reciepts if you want to see them."
"Don't think that will be necessary." The Deputy said, helping Davis into the back seat.
"C'mon," Gus said, holding on to the door. "It's all good. We're a neighborhood here an' boys will be boys, you know. No harm no foul. Damien's a good man, he isn't pressing charges."
"Yes I am." I said. "How else is he going to learn?"
"I'll teach him." Gus said. "He's my responsibility."
"You don't seem to have done too well so far."
"What are you saying?" Gus asked, stepping closer and puffing out his chest.
"The father can't keep a job because he likes to drive drunk, and the kid's being double-charged two days before Christmas. You need me to get you an English to redneck dictionary?" I dodged the swing, and the officer was on top of him. In five minutes, two more squad cars were in my driveway, Chuck's wife and other kids were in tears, and it looks like, after I testify against just under half his family, he'll lose his kids and his home.
I hope Gus and his family have a great holiday season from their respective holding cell/juvenile detention center/welfare line. Without their snowmobiles and four-wheelers donutting up and down the block, I know I will.
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
If you ever get pulled over for speeding... (joke)
A police officer pulls a bloke over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended for speeding.
Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes mate. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.
Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT?!?!?
Driver: Yes, mate.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his back up. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the inspector approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Inspector: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration papers.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Boot is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the boot.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, as well.
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Banzai Harakiri
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended for speeding.
Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes mate. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.
Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT?!?!?
Driver: Yes, mate.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his back up. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the inspector approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Inspector: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration papers.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Boot is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the boot.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, as well.
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Confusing...
Imagine these signs in a crowded bar after 5-10 pints of beer...:-)
(Click the picture for a larger version)
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Banzai Harakiri
(Click the picture for a larger version)
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Banzai Harakiri
mandag 21. april 2008
Funny stories about kids...
NUDITY (don't assume...just read it!)
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Bad Predictions
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what ... is it good for?"
Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would payfor a message sent to nobody in particular?"
David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper."
Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."
"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."
Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.
"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'"
Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.
"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools."
1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.
"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training."
Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus.
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy."
Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives."
Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project.
"This fellow Charles Lindbergh will never make it. He's doomed."
Harry Guggenheim, millionaire aviation enthusiast.
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances."
Dr. Lee De Forest, inventor of the vacuum tube and father of television.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899
"Louis Pastueur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction."
Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the instrusion of the wise and humane surgeon."
Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria, 1873
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what ... is it good for?"
Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would payfor a message sent to nobody in particular?"
David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper."
Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."
"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."
Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.
"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'"
Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.
"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools."
1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.
"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training."
Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus.
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy."
Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives."
Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project.
"This fellow Charles Lindbergh will never make it. He's doomed."
Harry Guggenheim, millionaire aviation enthusiast.
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances."
Dr. Lee De Forest, inventor of the vacuum tube and father of television.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899
"Louis Pastueur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction."
Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the instrusion of the wise and humane surgeon."
Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria, 1873
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
Elephants Never Forget (joke)
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly .
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
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Banzai Harakiri
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly .
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
lørdag 19. april 2008
LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
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Banzai Harakiri
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
mandag 14. april 2008
Cool Stunt
On a cold Saturday in New York City, the world’s largest train station came to a sudden halt. Over 200 Improv Everywhere Agents froze in place at the exact same second for five minutes in the Main Concourse of Grand Central Station. Over 500,000 people rush through Grand Central every day, but today, things slowed down just a bit as commuters and tourists alike stopped to notice what was happening around them.
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Banzai Harakiri
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Banzai Harakiri
If I Die Before You Wake... (song from Iraq)
This is a very good song from an american soldier in Iraq.
(I guess he's getting a record deal when he returns home.)
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Banzai Harakiri
(I guess he's getting a record deal when he returns home.)
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Banzai Harakiri
At the park (Joke)
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.
Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.
He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
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Banzai Harakiri
Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.
He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
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Banzai Harakiri
søndag 13. april 2008
fredag 11. april 2008
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