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Banzai Harakiri
torsdag 23. juli 2009
The point of God...
From an irc chat:
:Deffy> Christ is so cool. He's born, I get presents. He dies, I get candy.
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Banzai Harakiri
:Deffy> Christ is so cool. He's born, I get presents. He dies, I get candy.
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Banzai Harakiri
søndag 19. juli 2009
Life before the computer
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
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Banzai Harakiri
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
The Code of Men.
I cannot take credit for this masterwork. I am not sure how many legions of brave men died writing this. It first appeared in Maxim, the best magazine ever written. It was sent to me by the very manly Tian Tang of Arizona State University.
1. Thou shall not rent Chocolat
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
4. When you are queried by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call “Bullshit!” Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400%
7. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering a friend’s birthday is strictly optional.)
11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
12. Before dating a buddies ex, you are required to ask his permission; and he, in return is required to grant it.
13. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
14. If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem — you didn’t see nothin’.
15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
16. Your girlfriend must bond with your buddies’ girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her gal pals (significant dick-heads — low level sports bonding) is all the law requires.
17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you’ll be able to warn your buddy and give him time prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach. And it’s delivered by a topless supermodel. And it’s free.
20. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
22. If a buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think “What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin,” you may sit back and enjoy.
23. Friends don’t let friends wear speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
24. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: “Yeah, baby, push it!” “C’mon, give me one more!” “Harder!” “Another set and we can hit the showers.” “Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?”
25. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just plain mean.
26. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be referring to his beer.
27. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she’s withholding sex pending your response.
28. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you’re on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
29. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him ... too gay.
30. Before allowing drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a “Fuck off!” You are absolved of your of responsibility.
31. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
32. In Black Jack, always split aces and eights. No arguments.
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Banzai Harakiri
1. Thou shall not rent Chocolat
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
4. When you are queried by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call “Bullshit!” Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400%
7. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering a friend’s birthday is strictly optional.)
11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
12. Before dating a buddies ex, you are required to ask his permission; and he, in return is required to grant it.
13. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
14. If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem — you didn’t see nothin’.
15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
16. Your girlfriend must bond with your buddies’ girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her gal pals (significant dick-heads — low level sports bonding) is all the law requires.
17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you’ll be able to warn your buddy and give him time prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach. And it’s delivered by a topless supermodel. And it’s free.
20. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
22. If a buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think “What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin,” you may sit back and enjoy.
23. Friends don’t let friends wear speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
24. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: “Yeah, baby, push it!” “C’mon, give me one more!” “Harder!” “Another set and we can hit the showers.” “Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?”
25. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just plain mean.
26. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be referring to his beer.
27. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she’s withholding sex pending your response.
28. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you’re on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
29. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him ... too gay.
30. Before allowing drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a “Fuck off!” You are absolved of your of responsibility.
31. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
32. In Black Jack, always split aces and eights. No arguments.
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Banzai Harakiri
Error Messages From Japan
Here are 16 actual error messages seen on the computer screens in Japan, where they are written in Haiku.
The Web site you seek cannot be located, but countless more exist.
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Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.
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Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much.
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Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.
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Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.
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Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone.
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Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down.
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A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.
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Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred.
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You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here.
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Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, but we never will.
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Having been erased, The document you're seeking must now be retyped.
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Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
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Banzai Harakiri
The Web site you seek cannot be located, but countless more exist.
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Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.
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Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much.
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Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.
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Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.
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Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone.
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Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down.
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A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.
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Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred.
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You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here.
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Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, but we never will.
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Having been erased, The document you're seeking must now be retyped.
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Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
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Banzai Harakiri
Ad with John Cleese...
This is one of the weirdest ads I have seen....
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Banzai Harakiri
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Banzai Harakiri
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