This should be a part of every training course for dogs :-)
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Banzai Harakiri
fredag 11. mars 2011
torsdag 10. mars 2011
You have to stop stumbling when...
If your glasses have a computer screen burned into them, you need to stop Stumbling.
If you wake up in the morning with keyboard squares on the side of your face, you need to stop stumbling and sleep in your damn bed.
If you have ever whispered the words, “I can’t quit you” to your Stumble button.
If you don’t know the sex of three of your closest friends because their Stumble screen names aren’t gender specific, you need help!
If you are late for more than 5 things a week, (example – dinner, work, school, friends funeral…) you need a strong family to show you the meaning of intervention.
If your friends and family look for your “online status” to get in touch with you, Stumbling is slowly killing you.
If you wonder how your internet provider can call, 600 hours a month, “unlimited service”, you really should seek professional help.
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Banzai Harakiri
If you wake up in the morning with keyboard squares on the side of your face, you need to stop stumbling and sleep in your damn bed.
If you have ever whispered the words, “I can’t quit you” to your Stumble button.
If you don’t know the sex of three of your closest friends because their Stumble screen names aren’t gender specific, you need help!
If you are late for more than 5 things a week, (example – dinner, work, school, friends funeral…) you need a strong family to show you the meaning of intervention.
If your friends and family look for your “online status” to get in touch with you, Stumbling is slowly killing you.
If you wonder how your internet provider can call, 600 hours a month, “unlimited service”, you really should seek professional help.
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Banzai Harakiri
Old people...
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?’
The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’
The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’
‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.’
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me.
The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’
The old lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.’
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Banzai Harakiri
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?’
The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’
The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’
‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.’
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me.
The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’
The old lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.’
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Banzai Harakiri
Metaphors and Analogies
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag
filled with vegetable soup.
Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having
left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka
at 4:19 p.m., at a speed of 35 mph.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the
East River.
Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap,
only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,
this plan just might work.
...and my favorite:
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender
leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
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Banzai Harakiri
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag
filled with vegetable soup.
Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having
left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka
at 4:19 p.m., at a speed of 35 mph.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the
East River.
Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap,
only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,
this plan just might work.
...and my favorite:
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender
leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
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Banzai Harakiri
onsdag 9. mars 2011
tirsdag 8. mars 2011
A Young Monk Arrives At The Monastery
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R", we missed the "R". His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was CELEBRATE!"
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Banzai Harakiri
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R", we missed the "R". His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was CELEBRATE!"
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Banzai Harakiri
Wood Tape
Found this story while stumbling, and are presenting the link to it here.
Link: Wood Tape
Link will open in a new window
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Banzai Harakiri
Link: Wood Tape
Link will open in a new window
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Banzai Harakiri
Strange Young Couple
A Texas DPS Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He also immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, he walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's side window.
The young man lowers his window and mutters, "Uh, yes, Officer"?
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing'?
The young man says: 'Well, Sir, I'm reading a magazine'.
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat, the trooper says: 'And her in the back, what is she doing'?
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails'.
Now the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone in a car at night, in a lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening! The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'?
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir'. The trooper asks: 'And her ... what's her age'?
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes...
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Banzai Harakiri
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He also immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, he walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's side window.
The young man lowers his window and mutters, "Uh, yes, Officer"?
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing'?
The young man says: 'Well, Sir, I'm reading a magazine'.
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat, the trooper says: 'And her in the back, what is she doing'?
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails'.
Now the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone in a car at night, in a lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening! The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'?
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir'. The trooper asks: 'And her ... what's her age'?
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes...
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Banzai Harakiri
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