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Banzai Harakiri
torsdag 13. mars 2008
Techie question...
Anyone of you have a good techie story? Give it to us in the comment field.
More of a stupid tech support but he was kind of working for our client, so... :-)
We were working with a client who had his own web hosting, outside our offices. We had to change a few things on the client's website so we needed an FTP access to his folder on the host's server. The client put us in contact with a technician working at his web hosting company...
US : We need an FTP access for this client, could you please create us one?
TECH : Sorry, we don't create new FTP accounts for security reasons. Here, I'll just send you the password for root access to our servers instead.
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Banzai Harakiri
More of a stupid tech support but he was kind of working for our client, so... :-)
We were working with a client who had his own web hosting, outside our offices. We had to change a few things on the client's website so we needed an FTP access to his folder on the host's server. The client put us in contact with a technician working at his web hosting company...
US : We need an FTP access for this client, could you please create us one?
TECH : Sorry, we don't create new FTP accounts for security reasons. Here, I'll just send you the password for root access to our servers instead.
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
mandag 10. mars 2008
Italian lover....
The Italian lover, a virile, middle aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he manged to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned and replied, "no".
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, he smiled and asked, "you finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "no".
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, he reached for the woman yet again and using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping, barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked, "you finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered in his ear, "no, I Norwegian".
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, he smiled and asked, "you finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "no".
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, he reached for the woman yet again and using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping, barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked, "you finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered in his ear, "no, I Norwegian".
Postman Pat's last day...
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the
mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the
whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on
his way with a gift cheque for £50.
At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch
whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her
lingerie.
She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she
blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed
him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly
squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a
cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking
out
from under the cups bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the
five quid for?"
"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today
would be your last day and that we should do something special for you".
"I asked him what to give you".
He said, "F*ck him. Give him a fiver."
She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea."
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the
whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on
his way with a gift cheque for £50.
At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch
whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her
lingerie.
She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she
blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed
him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly
squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a
cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking
out
from under the cups bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the
five quid for?"
"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today
would be your last day and that we should do something special for you".
"I asked him what to give you".
He said, "F*ck him. Give him a fiver."
She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea."
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
10 Breeds of PC Users
Which one are you? If you’re a Mac user, you probably have a friend who matches one of these descriptions.
PC user breed #1
The traumatized virus victim
How to spot one:
Will not open any email attachments you send, including images, documents and MP3s. Burn them a CD of music and they’ll ask if they can get a virus from it. Will decline to accept images and MP3s sent over IM “Just in case”. Will usually be running five or six Anti-Virus programs which pop up every few seconds, but somehow manage to get a new virus every other day. Have stopped deleting the ‘Online Casino’ shortcuts from their desktop. Have not yet discovered how to turn on a Firewall and have no desire to learn.
The highs:
Easily impressed by any computer that works.
The lows:
Will remain paranoid and impervious to logic on any computer-related topic.
PC user breed #2
The two-fingered typist
How to spot one:
As per this breed’s namesake, the two-fingered typist will use the index finger of each hand for all keyboard use, usually involving much more force than is necessary. This also goes for clicking the mouse. Two-fingered typists don’t understand computers and are proud of the fact. They won’t retain any computer related information, so don’t bother trying to teach them. They’ll routinely (and possibly deliberately) mispronounce common computer terms or use them in the wrong context. My mother calls Firefox “Mottzilla”.
The highs:
Endlessly amusing.
The lows:
Showing your dad how to send an email for literally the fifth or sixth time.
PC User breed #3
The DIY optimist
How to spot one:
Excited by the prospect of maximum performance and low-cost repairs, the DIY optimist sees actual technical knowledge as unnecessary in the pursuit of PC perfection. BIOS is not a computer’s central nervous system — to the DIY optimist, it’s a playground: a place to change variables and “See what happens.” The occasional BSOD is to be expected. It will usually take the destruction of one or more CPUs before this breed will concede defeat and call a repair shop.
The highs:
When it works, it works. DIY optimists tend to get there eventually (though a few parts might be confined to the scrap-heap along the way).
The lows:
When it fails, it fails catastrophically. DIY optimists can turn a minor RAM allocation problem into a hazardous electrical fire with seemingly very little effort.
PC User breed #4
The blinkered office-worker
How to spot one:
Has been using a computer for 12 years but will rave to you about a cute little program they just discovered called ‘Paint’. Can create multi-layered tables and a complicated footnote system in Word but can’t work out how to change their screen resolution. Will use the internet only to do things they already know how to do offline (i.e. read the paper, check weather and send greeting cards). Discovered ‘Solitaire’ five years ago and have never turned back.
The highs:
Associate computers with mind-numbing work and thus spend as little time as possible using them after hours. Tend to be more tanned than the rest of us.
The lows:
Extremely adverse to trying anything new and computer-related.
PC User breed #5
The obnoxious expert
How to spot one:
Knows a lot about computers and is not content to do so quietly. Can usually be found accumulating an insanely high forum post count primarily by answering tech or gaming related questions with a heavy dose of subtle humiliation. Will disagree with everything and everyone. Uses the word “Obviously” as much as possible.
The highs:
When you can wade through the disdain far enough to extract a nugget of useful advice.
The lows:
When you find out that the freelancer you just contracted is one of these guys.
PC user breed #6
The upgrade fanatic
How to spot one:
You’ll usually spot their PC tower first as a beam of neon shoots into your eye and temporarily blinds you. When you regain your vision you’ll see a vaguely rectangular object which looks a little bit like a miniature alien spaceship with spinning objects, lasers and drifting motes of dry ice inside. If the owner isn’t around, he’ll probably be at the mailbox picking up a new shipment of neon tubing. The crazed modder’s PC will usually be worth at least twice as much as their car.
The highs:
Will eagerly install new hardware for you and may even give you hand-me-down parts which are probably three or four times better than what you’re currently using.
The lows:
They pour thousands upon thousands of dollars into an object that, over time, depreciates almost as fast as underwear.
PC user breed #7
The fixer
How to spot one:
Their PC runs like a dream. They Defrag several times a month, perform regular virus checks and have installed a complicated network of firewalls. If something does go wrong, will insist on fixing the problem personally rather than pay a repair center to do it, almost as a matter of honor. Will volunteer to “help fix” any computer that doesn’t run to their high standards (i.e. any computer other than their own).
The highs:
Can be genuinely useful, particularly when paired with a traumatized virus victim or two-fingered typist.
The lows:
Will chastise you for not fixing that critical hard drive failure yourself.
PC user breed #8
The PC evangelist
How to spot one:
Hates Macs with remarkable intensity, despite having never used one long enough to understand how they work. Will start an argument with every Mac user they encounter and belittle them for their choice of OS. Will claim that PCs must be superior because so many more people use them (logic that also makes Akon a superior musician to Sufjan Stevens, because more people buy Akon’s albums). Can usually be seen with an iPod in one ear and an iPhone pressed to the other.
* Note: Mac evangelists are just as annoying.
The highs:
Great conversation-starter for fellow PC users.
The lows:
Does not mix well with Mac users.
PC user breed #9
The addict
How to spot one:
All phone conversations with addicts will be characterized by the faint sound of typing and delayed one-word responses that often don’t quite line up with the question you asked. Will usually only leave the room containing their computer to relieve themselves or scavenge for food and water (unless they’re playing World of Warcraft, in which case these things are not always sufficient motivations… ouch). Will indicate that they want you to stop bothering them by looking intently at the computer screen as they answer your questions. You probably won’t see the person much for the duration of the addiction.
The highs:
Quite good if you don’t like the person much (for example, a weird house-mate).
The lows:
Bad if you like the person (for example, a spouse).
PC user breed #10
The GTD maniac
How to spot one:
Will spend many hours setting up and refining a complicated folder system which saves less time than is spent on maintaining it. Is plagued by constant guilt because they’re “Not doing it properly.” Regards anything other than a blank desktop as “clutter”. Will allocate a weekly “clean up” session, even if there’s nothing to clean. Will delete important files rather than store them, even if they have a 400 Gigabyte hard drive with 380 Gigabytes free.
The highs:
Will achieve occasional ’serene’ states where they feel like everything is perfectly ordered and as it should be.
The lows:
Usually fail to realize that a highly complicated, regimental productivity system is a symptom of over-work, not a cure for it.
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
PC user breed #1
The traumatized virus victim
How to spot one:
Will not open any email attachments you send, including images, documents and MP3s. Burn them a CD of music and they’ll ask if they can get a virus from it. Will decline to accept images and MP3s sent over IM “Just in case”. Will usually be running five or six Anti-Virus programs which pop up every few seconds, but somehow manage to get a new virus every other day. Have stopped deleting the ‘Online Casino’ shortcuts from their desktop. Have not yet discovered how to turn on a Firewall and have no desire to learn.
The highs:
Easily impressed by any computer that works.
The lows:
Will remain paranoid and impervious to logic on any computer-related topic.
PC user breed #2
The two-fingered typist
How to spot one:
As per this breed’s namesake, the two-fingered typist will use the index finger of each hand for all keyboard use, usually involving much more force than is necessary. This also goes for clicking the mouse. Two-fingered typists don’t understand computers and are proud of the fact. They won’t retain any computer related information, so don’t bother trying to teach them. They’ll routinely (and possibly deliberately) mispronounce common computer terms or use them in the wrong context. My mother calls Firefox “Mottzilla”.
The highs:
Endlessly amusing.
The lows:
Showing your dad how to send an email for literally the fifth or sixth time.
PC User breed #3
The DIY optimist
How to spot one:
Excited by the prospect of maximum performance and low-cost repairs, the DIY optimist sees actual technical knowledge as unnecessary in the pursuit of PC perfection. BIOS is not a computer’s central nervous system — to the DIY optimist, it’s a playground: a place to change variables and “See what happens.” The occasional BSOD is to be expected. It will usually take the destruction of one or more CPUs before this breed will concede defeat and call a repair shop.
The highs:
When it works, it works. DIY optimists tend to get there eventually (though a few parts might be confined to the scrap-heap along the way).
The lows:
When it fails, it fails catastrophically. DIY optimists can turn a minor RAM allocation problem into a hazardous electrical fire with seemingly very little effort.
PC User breed #4
The blinkered office-worker
How to spot one:
Has been using a computer for 12 years but will rave to you about a cute little program they just discovered called ‘Paint’. Can create multi-layered tables and a complicated footnote system in Word but can’t work out how to change their screen resolution. Will use the internet only to do things they already know how to do offline (i.e. read the paper, check weather and send greeting cards). Discovered ‘Solitaire’ five years ago and have never turned back.
The highs:
Associate computers with mind-numbing work and thus spend as little time as possible using them after hours. Tend to be more tanned than the rest of us.
The lows:
Extremely adverse to trying anything new and computer-related.
PC User breed #5
The obnoxious expert
How to spot one:
Knows a lot about computers and is not content to do so quietly. Can usually be found accumulating an insanely high forum post count primarily by answering tech or gaming related questions with a heavy dose of subtle humiliation. Will disagree with everything and everyone. Uses the word “Obviously” as much as possible.
The highs:
When you can wade through the disdain far enough to extract a nugget of useful advice.
The lows:
When you find out that the freelancer you just contracted is one of these guys.
PC user breed #6
The upgrade fanatic
How to spot one:
You’ll usually spot their PC tower first as a beam of neon shoots into your eye and temporarily blinds you. When you regain your vision you’ll see a vaguely rectangular object which looks a little bit like a miniature alien spaceship with spinning objects, lasers and drifting motes of dry ice inside. If the owner isn’t around, he’ll probably be at the mailbox picking up a new shipment of neon tubing. The crazed modder’s PC will usually be worth at least twice as much as their car.
The highs:
Will eagerly install new hardware for you and may even give you hand-me-down parts which are probably three or four times better than what you’re currently using.
The lows:
They pour thousands upon thousands of dollars into an object that, over time, depreciates almost as fast as underwear.
PC user breed #7
The fixer
How to spot one:
Their PC runs like a dream. They Defrag several times a month, perform regular virus checks and have installed a complicated network of firewalls. If something does go wrong, will insist on fixing the problem personally rather than pay a repair center to do it, almost as a matter of honor. Will volunteer to “help fix” any computer that doesn’t run to their high standards (i.e. any computer other than their own).
The highs:
Can be genuinely useful, particularly when paired with a traumatized virus victim or two-fingered typist.
The lows:
Will chastise you for not fixing that critical hard drive failure yourself.
PC user breed #8
The PC evangelist
How to spot one:
Hates Macs with remarkable intensity, despite having never used one long enough to understand how they work. Will start an argument with every Mac user they encounter and belittle them for their choice of OS. Will claim that PCs must be superior because so many more people use them (logic that also makes Akon a superior musician to Sufjan Stevens, because more people buy Akon’s albums). Can usually be seen with an iPod in one ear and an iPhone pressed to the other.
* Note: Mac evangelists are just as annoying.
The highs:
Great conversation-starter for fellow PC users.
The lows:
Does not mix well with Mac users.
PC user breed #9
The addict
How to spot one:
All phone conversations with addicts will be characterized by the faint sound of typing and delayed one-word responses that often don’t quite line up with the question you asked. Will usually only leave the room containing their computer to relieve themselves or scavenge for food and water (unless they’re playing World of Warcraft, in which case these things are not always sufficient motivations… ouch). Will indicate that they want you to stop bothering them by looking intently at the computer screen as they answer your questions. You probably won’t see the person much for the duration of the addiction.
The highs:
Quite good if you don’t like the person much (for example, a weird house-mate).
The lows:
Bad if you like the person (for example, a spouse).
PC user breed #10
The GTD maniac
How to spot one:
Will spend many hours setting up and refining a complicated folder system which saves less time than is spent on maintaining it. Is plagued by constant guilt because they’re “Not doing it properly.” Regards anything other than a blank desktop as “clutter”. Will allocate a weekly “clean up” session, even if there’s nothing to clean. Will delete important files rather than store them, even if they have a 400 Gigabyte hard drive with 380 Gigabytes free.
The highs:
Will achieve occasional ’serene’ states where they feel like everything is perfectly ordered and as it should be.
The lows:
Usually fail to realize that a highly complicated, regimental productivity system is a symptom of over-work, not a cure for it.
_______________
Banzai Harakiri
What Dave Barry Learned in 50 Years
- Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
- If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
- There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
- People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
- You should not confuse your career with your life.
- Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
- Never lick a steak knife.
- The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
- You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
- You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
- There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
- The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
- A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
- Your friends love you anyway.
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Banzai Harakiri
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